By Bryson Beach
My First Sports Love: Soccer
I love soccer. I love it like I love pizza, and if you know me, you know I love pizza like Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo, or Raphael. The game is fast paced, fluid, and tactically diverse. You can play in the simmering heat of June or the blistering cold of December. I really have to credit my love of the beautiful game to my father, however.
When I was five, his service to the United States Navy took the family to England. Despite leaving Virginia Beach for London, football reigned king in both places. These are two different types of football, but both just as appealing and exciting for young Bryson Tyler Beach. Maybe it was the embassy’s location in North London, but for whatever reason my father gravitated to a local football club, Arsenal. It was only natural I followed suit and became enthralled by the likes of Ian Wright, Dennis Bergkamp, and David Seaman. When I moved back to The States years later, I traded in my shin guards for shoulder pads, but the love and passion for the sport and Arsenal never left. I’ve been a Gooner since 1993, and ain’t nothin’ changed.
Inebriated Beginnings: The Immaculate Conception Of The Squad
The origins of the team were quite humble. Let me set the scene for y’all. Twas the evening of August 13th and I was meeting with a group of friends at Louisville’s greatest establishment, Great Flood Brewery, following a Louisville City FC game. It’s safe to say my amigos were at various levels of sobriety because LCFC games are LIT… apparently. Despite my proclamation of love for soccer, I can be as snobby as a legacy Ivy League frat boy about it. I grew up watching the Premier League (The Best League in the world), so despite having a competitive domestic league in the states, the city’s own minor league team, and the University of Louisville constantly competing for national titles, I just cannot get into it.
Any who! My usual group of friends I play trivia with were in attendance. There was one new face, too! An attractive, vibrant blonde named Claire who was a friend of Morgan (my movie going partner in crime from my review entries). So after I went through the whole “Hey, I’m Bryson, who are you, what’s your story, boo?” spiel, we got to talking about nothing other than soccer. Maybe the conversation was sparked by the game they had just watched or the fresh new Arsenal away kit I was rocking. It was at that moment, with the smooth sounds of Teddy Pendergrass’ “Close The Door” bumping over the speakers and the aroma of carefully crafted beer enticing our sense of smell that she leant forwards, gazed into my eyes and …………………… Told me about a local indoor soccer league.
We exchanged numbers, and I’m sure there was some skepticism on her part. The ole “pretend you’re interested in starting a soccer team, but then text you to spit game” is a classic. My mind was in motion of how to construct a super team, but first I needed a name. It was easy. In honor of the legendary primate who was murdered in cold blood, we would be known as Harambe FC! Our players and fans would be proudly known as Harambaes.
The Road to Filling Out a Super Team: The Recruiting Trail
Not to sound too egotistical, but for my college basketball fans, I liken myself to Coach Cal or Roy Williams on my ability to recruit and attract top notch talent to my program. Of course, I do not have the pressure to have boosters pay my players off, forge an SAT score, or create a fake African American studies class, but I digress! I did some research into the league, tried to assimilate the unique co-ed rules into my general soccer knowledge and made a list of friends who had played in high school or on the sneaky competitive U of L intramural circuit in my college days.
My first targets were Claire, obviously, and that oft-referenced trivia group. Dave was crazy enough to wake up at 7 am to go watch Liverpool at the local Molly Malone’s, even though they’ve never ever won any league title since the Premier League was branded [editors note: :( ]. Brady was a beast back in middle school and never stopped watching the game or playing FIFA. There was also my homie Patrick, who once scored a sick volley for the unflappable Shelby County Rockets junior varsity team. Also, Morgan. She had never formally played the sport but she looks athletic, so with me basically being known (in my own head) for developing talent, I figured I could mold her into Alex Morgan at the very least!
All the guys seemed so interested when I first floated the idea around and I was already pigeonholing them into set positions. It was all good in the hood until the startling revelation that games would be on Sunday Afternoons. “I dunno, Bryson!” they said. “That’s hangover and football season” they said! “I don’t want players who aren’t willing to give a long season for this team!” I said! Despite David being unable to play, he did remind me of another SCHS Legend in Tre, who pounced on the opportunity to play in honor of our fallen gorilla deity.
The “Sundays are for recovering” excuse” was a minor set-back for a major setback because I’m as resilient as a cockroach. My brother loves soccer more than I do; he played in high school, and may have legitimately played 12 million online FIFA matches so he was an easy get. Bryan’s connections led me to Callie, a friend from high school, and probably our best player. Callie’s commitment led us to her Beau, Jared. Jared is the youngest member of the squad, but what he lacks in age, he makes up in tenacity and foot skills.
I had my youthful core so I turned up the heat on Anthony next. He’s half-German, half-Black like half of the USMNT these days (Fabian, Jermaine Jones, John Brooks, Julian Green, etc.), so by simple bloodlines and pedigree he had to be good. Anthony tipped me off to Jessica, an old college buddy, and Brittany, college soccer star turned awesome mom to the adorable Clay. Anthony also tipped me off to Felipe, who actually works with me at my amazing company (Sucking up could get me somewhere!). How could I be so blind to not see the great talent in the very same building as myself!?
Like Morgan, there were a few others who didn’t have the prerequisite experience to step in and thrive. Akin to the way our squeaky clean, morally rich Hall of Fame Coach Rick Pitino molded the likes of Russ Smith and Gorgui Dieng into successes, I believed I could do the same with indoor soccer players. So like Felipe, my amazing company (more brownie points), led me to basketball enthusiast, young Jonathan Noonan. Jon and I had really built a strong relationship by taking our mandated 15 minute break each afternoon to go searching for Charmanders and Pikachu’s on Pokémon Go. Judge if you want, but all the cool kids do it. Jon was all in as he loves to stay active.
Another key late signing, DJ Deuce of 1200 fame took the leap of faith to come to a practice one day on his historic trek to get fit. Who would have thought a man with such disdain for soccer players’ cinematics ended up falling in love with the sport like America fell in love for Taylor Swift before realizing her kiss-n-tell, oh-my-God-I-Can’t-Believe-I-Won-This-Award-Again act got played out.
Baltimore Bob, Crabicurious’ co-owner and another forsaken Liverpool fan, suggested that Hannah Black because of her prior experience. I have to say Hannah was an excellent addition for her ability to make runs down the wing like a real player. Not Daniel Sturridge, but Theo Walcott. Chemistry is a big part of any squad’s success. It was helpful that real gym rats Ben Eiden and Zack Hubbard had previously joined the team. They have such high motors, they’re scrappy, and high soccer IQs and every other stereotype commentators lazily attribute to white players way too frequently. Point being, they’ve had the pleasure of being friends with Hannah way longer than I have, and I anticipated that playing out positively on the field.
I’m far from a praying man, but the last two full time additions to Harambe FC were a bit of a god-send. Or maybe I’m just lucky? It was a mid-afternoon practice at Champion’s Park when a few peoples were just kicking the ball around. There was a gentleman up there in goalie attire just hoping to be selected in a pick-up game. We spoke, he played with us, and after inquiring we discovered his name was Bobby. All Bobby really wants to do is play in the goal and he’s superb. By his own admission, he got into soccer pretty late. I want to call him a liar to his face because he’s the best goalie in the indoor league, there’s no way he picked it up this week. He’s basically David De Gea but better. Of course no one is without flaw as Bobby is a Liverpool fan. Where did all these people come from!? It could be worse, I suppose. Manchester United and Chelsea are really despicable clubs.
Bobby’s inclusion in the squad delivered us our second John, one of his own friends. John has proven to be a jack of all trades. He’s scored when we really needed him too, he’s tracked back and cleared the ball, and he even showed up from work once to play a game in casual shorts!
I had done it; I had assembled a team that would even make the Avengers blush. A few practices under our belts and scrimmages with the regulars at Champion’s Park and middle aged men with tempers at Seneca Park had gotten up our conditioning to a reasonable standard. It was time to turn on the lights and dominate the season.
Lights, Camera, Action: The Regular Season
Game 1: GOAT 9, Harambe FC 4 – Baptism By Fire
The media was buzzing about the debut of newly minted expansion team. I had the mindset that if we played our game plan, no team could beat us! There whispers that this team, GOAT, were a staple in the indoor league. Not to judge a book by its cover, but in warmups, they looked like a posse of young adults with some skill, but even with several players unable to make their debut, I was not worried. The game had a fill of snafus as we generally were inexperienced in applying the unique co-ed rules in a real game situation.
Some of the rules are disrespectful to women in my opinion. Joan of Arc and Susan B. Anthony didn’t die for this! I could really get on my soap box, but it what is. At one point the game was 2-2 behind goals from Callie & Bryan, and I felt like it could tilt either way.
Then the GOATs really showed their form. They started scoring at will, and not even Bobby’s goalkeeping heroics could survive the onslaught. Towards the end of the game, we even saw the opposing goal keeper dribble out and pull a few tricks like a real scumbag. There was quite a bit more showboating that may or may have not drawn the retaliation of Bryan running someone into a wall and Jared showing off of skills of own. I call that passion and I was proud! In the aftermath of the game, it was revealed that the “young adults” we played actually play at a local university. I want to take this opportunity to give a big shout out for college athletes competing in the lowest co-ed indoor soccer division. It really provides our recreational team with a great opportunity to face top notch competition! Disclaimer: That was sarcasm.
Game 2: Harambe FC 6, FSU 5 – First Franchise Victory
A team that had so much hype had faced adversity so early. Would the Harambaes have the testicular fortitude to recover? ESPN.com really played up the controversy that the three goal scorers from the previous game (Bryan, Callie, Jared) would be playing for their other team, FSU 11. If I forgot to mention there’s a big tendency for people to play on multiple teams in this very particular league. There’s also several last minute “hey, bro. We’re short and we saw you play a second ago, can you fill in for our team, dude?”
With a juicy storyline, the game known labeled as the Civil War or Beach Bowl for pitting Bryson and Bryan Beach against each other, set up to be a classic. It didn’t quite live up to the hype. Without 3 stars, Harambe FC was bolstered by the season debuts of Anthony, Tre, Drew, Felipe, and Brittany despite the group not being in game-shape! If you didn’t skip over the recruitment session, you’ll know I mentioned the important of chemistry and relationships. Who would have known Claire and Brittany once played together at Centre College. I’m out here reviving lost friendships! (Or maybe they secretly had beef, but they were familiar with each other!) . Despite the close score line, Harambe FC did have a commanding 6-2 lead late into the game before conceding. Zack, who by his own admission is a CAM, showed his versatility in coming up with an infinite amount of defensive clearances. My proudest moment was when the constant pestering from myself and world-class trash talker, Ben, prompted my little brother to turn around and tell me “F--- Off!” #Goals #BryanPlayedLikeATrashEmoji
Game 3: Kowabunga 10, Harambe FC 7 – The Zorn Avenue Shootout
The historic first win in franchise history had us feeling great. Admittedly, I was a little lax on my darling gorillas in the week leading up to the clash with Kowabunga. Unfortunately, Team Kowabunga was a little bit better than TMNT 2 (check out my review here! (hyperlink Rob? Thanks) ). My lackluster coaching really did us in. We were not tracking back on defense and that left the defense wider than the Red Sea. Stephen A. Smith would later have to address the rumors on First Take that Jon Noonan had chastised Coach Beach for not chastising his players on the pitch. Insiders said that Noonan was calling for more vocal scolding to prod players.
Of course, the positive was that we had increased our goal scoring output for the second consecutive game. James Harden is my favorite basketball player. If he doesn’t have to play defense, why should my indoor team? …because we need to win another game.
Game 4: Ghost Army 4, Harambe FC 2 – Beach’s Last Stand
Going into the week four matchup, Ghost Army had a great defensive record, but had a lower goal scoring output than the righteous defenders of Harambe’s honor. I was confident in my ability to break the dramatic one game losing streak. Former prospects turned part-time coaches David Cole and Brady LaFollette swung by practice mid-week to provide a rugged, confidence building session with practice team Phenom Dee Williams, leading up to the game. In what would later be described the dumbest motivational tactic of all time, Coach Beach declared that if his team should lose the game, he would resign. That was almost as stupid as me continually jumping to referring to myself in first person and then third person.
There were really two key factors that decided the outcome of the game. The first being that there were only two women available for our team. While lower-tier coed indoor soccer should be your everything, sometimes my players were susceptible to silly life distractions like family, jobs, or oil changes! The reason that having just Callie and Claire was so detrimental is that you must have at least two women on the pitch at all times. We had no substitutes and while both of the true Harambabes gave everything they had, playing 48 minutes without a break is quite taxing. I let the girls down, I let the team down!
Despite the endurance challenge our girls had to go through, there were still opportunities to tie or win the game. I still contend Bobby is our best goalie of all eras, but Ghost Army found a true physical specimen. Their goalie stood a full 11 feet tall. I’m not sure if his father was the Jolly Green Giant or Andre the Giant but despite sending him more shots than Lindsay Lohan at a bar! Pure height alone allowed him to cover the entire length and width of the goal. Needless to say, after the game, GM, Owner, and Co-Founder Bryson Beach fired Bryson Beach, the coach, immediately and appointed Dave Cole as the new coach. A truly dark day in Harambe history.
Game 5: Nutmegs 10, Harambe FC 4 – Hallowengate
In David Cole’s first game in charge… he didn’t even show up. There was quite a bit of optimism given the similarities in the Nutmegs to Ghost Army. The tactics which had just failed the Harambaes a week prior were supposed to lead to their second franchise victory.
On the eve of Halloween, something really freaky went down. Everyone’s first touch let them down. We were like a bunch of zombies out there. The Walking Dead had taken to the soccer pitch! The other team was getting through our defense like we were a bunch of ghosts! It’d be easy to blame Dave for abandoning his team responsibilities, but there just had to be something else going on. While the team and the league searched for answers, a popular news outlet may have found an answer.
In an exclusive TMZ report, photos and video surfaced of an outrageously wild Halloween party several members and officials of Harambe FC attended. There were reports of drinks, lewd dancing, and even a vicious assault on a piñata. Luckily for the team, the piñata declined to press charges, though there still is an ongoing investigation. There was even an unconfirmed report, an undisclosed team member suffered an injury after falling from a tree. I cannot confirm nor deny our participation in said celebration. But hypothetically, if we were there, someone on the team would definitely be playing great music, someone would be a Pokémon character, and someone definitely wouldn’t have passed out in the grass. Hypothetically…
Game 6: Harambe FC 5, Delayed Milestones 2 –Return To Glory
With speculation and questions surrounding Halloween-gate still lingering over the team, what could possibly be down to put a lid on all the negative press. Well they say that winning cures everything. They also say Harambe wasn’t murdered in cold blood. They don’t always know what they’re talking about. Due to a scheduling conflict, our young guns of Jaren, Bryan, and Callie were contractually obligated to play for FSU 11 at the same time the Harambe matchup was happening.
Harambe FC was bolstered by their squad depth of regulars, the return of Supermom Brittany Blankenbaker playing in front of her son & husband, and the one week signing of Famous Amos Flomo. I firmly believe I have too much recruiting prowess for anyone to handle, but somehow I missed the fact that Amos also worked with me at the nation’s greatest company. He was a One Man Gang, though quite smaller than the professional wrestler of the same name. Sure, we fell behind 1-0, but we were in control the entire game. Everyone seemed to play as a team, John K was the defensive MVP, and Jon Noonan credits himself with starting as the true catalyst behind the team’s success.
If you have the displeasure of personally knowing me, you’ll know one of my worst traits is that I’m super petty. You may as well call me Petty Wap or Petty Crocker. So it was great to ravel in the turmoil amongst our opponents as they struggled to keep up with the Gorilla Gang. A healthy scratch for the game, Benno, still tried to repair is reputation as a bad locker-room guy by cheering on his teammates throughout the game. A spectator on the other end of the facility could hear an audible “Eeeeeee!” whenever DJ Deuce put a move on an unsuspecting defender or whenever Felipe would work his magic in the middle of the field. An especially pleasing moment was when a member of Delayed Milestones, playing in a Cubs jersey shirt, was dribbling down the flank, only to be greeted by a “He just bought that shirt last week!” by Ben. It’s appropriate that our opponents’ initials were DM, because we slid (tackled) into theme like a thirsty teenager on twitter.
Game 7: Suga Lumps 4, Harambe FC –Nuts and Bolts, Nuts and Bolts, We Got Screwed
10 O’clock Game.
Supermoon illuminating the sky... The aftershock of the most contentious and polarizing presidential election in history... These were merely the background subplots of a truly frustrating and hostile game. Before the game even started, previous coach Bryson Beach had panicked and overbooked a team to compete. For whatever reason, he questioned his team’s passion and commitment so he asked extras to come to the 10 o’clock game. People will be sleep by 10 pm! People will be watching TWD! People will want to be able to work in the morning and not ache because most the team is closer to 30 than 20! All of these theories were disproved as a near full squad showed up, plus additions of Marny, Emily, Sarah, and Austin. I even had to turn some people away.
The 10 pm kick off was delayed by a few minutes. Everyone knows that Harambe FC wears all black in protest of the unjust killing of our ape savior. Let’s just ignore the fact Suga Lumps has tenure in the league and probably has been wearing black for years. It was disrespect when our team of 74.5 were forced to wear makeshift yellow tops like the ones you wear in grade school PE class. Symbolically, it felt like we were strapped down by the chains of true tyranny!
Speaking of tyrants, the referee may be cut from the same cloth as infamous NBA ref, Joey Crawford. He had played for a team we played earlier in the season and seemed to have it out for us. There was a faux sliding call on Felipe when he clearly tripped. Bryan being hit in the head by the goalie on a header attempt, but being the one who was penalized. Missed handballs! Tre, enraged by a questionable tackling infraction, paid the young ref a verbal lashing that would make John McEnroe proud. No, the ref didn’t throw Tre out, no he didn’t even give him a yellow card. He told him to take a seat, he couldn’t even reprimand correctly!
I know you’re enjoying my maturity as a leader by placing the blame squarely on an official. It takes a lot of humility and non-bias to do so. So shout out to me. In all seriousness, we lost the game but we got some sweet squad pics and action shots during the game from Elaine, the team photographer. There was an Adam Schefter tweet that revealed Elaine was actually born in Brazil. This has prompted team officials to ask why she doesn’t play. Totally not stereotyping here, but if she was born in Brazil and can speak Portuguese, she has to be at least as good as Marta or Neymar. At least.
The Future Of The Gorilla Gang
The season ended with a very mediocre 2-5 record. We were able to finish 12th (out of 16) on some silly goal differential tie-breaker. People scoffed, people laughed, people rolled their eyes when I told them about my vision to create the world’s greatest lowest tier coed-indoor soccer team! They’re still probably doing all those things, but I ain’t got time for that. The playoffs are this Sunday (11/20/2016), and we play OG United. They finished pretty well, and I could hold off on writing these until we win the tournament this weekend, but I wanted to relive all the magic now.
After the conclusion of the regular season, a few players had some quotes when asked about the season:
- Benno – “Hmmmm… I’m positive I made a greater impact being drunk on the bench than I ever did on the field”
- Tre – “ Basically ,we need to run to open spaces off the ball so the person with it isn’t taking on 3 people at a time”
- DJ Deuce aka Drew- “Free Kodak”
- Bryan – “Nothing off the top of my head”
- Morgan – “Ouch” and “Eeeeeee! *Ben Voice*”
This has been a blast and one day I’ll get back into great shape and dominate myself (I was a monster midfielder in the Cleer Creek Rec League Plus). For now, I’ll continue to GM and organize. I fell in love with soccer when I was 5, we hit a bit of a lull in my teens, but I kept up with her through mutual friends in my early 20s. Now, here at 28, I think we’re fully reunited, and it feels so good. Marriage upcoming?
Special Thanks to: Dee, Elaine, Sarah, Hayley, Marny, Emily, Austin, Brady, Dave, Amos, Meg, Sarah, and Liz for filling in spots, helping us practice, and being our cheering section.
