The Pretty Good 2020-21 EPL Season Preview Podcast

The podcat is back with their second annual English Premier League Preview Podcast! Ben and Rob rejoin Bryson to look back at the longest and most unique season in history. They also look forward to the upcoming season including incoming transfers, award winners, and hot takes!


Bryson’s Predictions:

  1. Man City

  2. Liverpool

  3. Chelsea

  4. Arsenal

  5. Man United

  6. Wolves

  7. Everton

  8. Tottenham

  9. Leicester City

  10. Sheffield United

  11. Burnley

  12. Leeds

  13. West Ham

  14. Southampton

  15. New Castle

  16. Crystal Palace

  17. Fulham

  18. Aston Villa

  19. Brighton

  20. West Brom

Ben’s Season Predictions:

  1. Man City

  2. Chelsea

  3. Liverpool

  4. Man United

  5. Arsenal

  6. Everton

  7. Wolves

  8. Tottenham

  9. Leicester City

  10. Sheffield United

  11. Southampton

  12. West ham

  13. Leeds

  14. Burnley

  15. Newcastle

  16. Palace

  17. Brighton

  18. Villa

  19. Fulham

  20. West brom

Robert’s Season Predictions:

  1. Arsenal

  2. Liverpool

  3. Man City 

  4. Chelsea

  5. Man United

  6. Tottenham

  7. Leicester City

  8. Wolves 

  9. Everton

  10. Sheffield United

  11. Burnley

  12. Fulham

  13. West Ham

  14. Southampton

  15. Newcastle

  16. Crystal Palace

  17. Aston Villa

  18. Leeds 

  19. Brighto

  20. West Brom

Top Concerts You’ve Ever seen Live

On this week’s episode, Bryson, Ben, Zack, and Yaboy go through their top 5 favorite concerts they’ve ever attended.

Listen on Spotify

Listen on iTunes

Robert's 2017 Movie Rankings

Crabicurious.com presents the 2017 Movie Ranking Roundtable. Also check out Bryson's piece and Zack's piece. 

By Robert Rixman

Movies are back! It was touch and go for a while, but you heard it here first, 2017 was a great year at the box office. I saw 27 films that were officially released in 2017 and here's how it shook out for me: 

Bottom 5 (in order from worst to not as bad):

  • The Circle
  • 50 Shades Darker
  • Baywatch
  • Life
  • Rough Night

With a thriving media conglomerate with 2 staff writers and so many camera review YouTube videos to watch, I actually do not have as much time as you'd think to go to and watch movies. This means I'm incredibly picky and means I've (luckily) only seen a handful of "bad movies."  But The Circle stood above (below) the rest in its awfulness, from Hermoine's American accent to its cringy dialouge, I wouldn't even recommend hate-watching this movie. John Boyega heading to that Casino planet to capture a White Walker was a better idea than John Boyega being in this movie. 

Decent But Forgettable (from worst to best):

  • Beauty and the Beast
  • Kingsman 2: The Golden Circle  
  • Pitch Perfect 3
  • Hidden Figures
  • War for the Planet of the Apes
  • Kong Skull Island
  • Guardians of the Galaxy 2

Some great music in all of these movies, and I did enjoy them all, it was just a really strong field this year. Guardians is mainly this low because of its preseason #1 overall ranking and relative disappointment. 

Really Good Movies (from good to really good):

  • Baby Driver
  • Murder on the Orient Express
  • Get Out
  • Lady Bird
  • Ghost in the Shell

For me, these films had a shared uniqueness, with original premises, stand alone stories, and distinctive protagonists. Unfortunately for them, I don't have a ton of interest in seeing them a second time, but I do recommend people check them out. 

Amazing Achivements (from 10th best to 5th best):

  • Wonder Woman
  • Logan Lucky
  • Thor: Ragnarok
  • Blade Runner 2049
  • Dunkirk
  • Logan

I absolutely loved all six of these movies and they still didn't make my top 4?! Turns out 2017 wasn't as boring as everyone's been saying! Bryson and Zack tackled several of these already, but a common thread for me was the incredible trailer-artistry leading to hype, leading to high expectations, leading to met expectations. Logan's trailer felt like an achievement in and of itself with the perfectly paired tune of Johnny Cash's Hurt scratching and ringing along the cuts of an weathered and beaten Wolverine. And of course Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" perfectly set the tone for a new and welcome direction for Marvel spin-offs in Thor: Ragnarok. 

Robert's Top 4 Movies of 2017 (from #4 to #1):

  • #4 - Star War's Episode VIII: The Last Jedi - I agree with everything Zack said. The highs were higher than any movie this year and overpowered a few dips in the story. As time passes my memory of the throne room fight scene grows a little more foggy, but it feels right to say that it was perhaps a top 5 moment of my life. That feels right. 
  • #3 - Spider-man: Homecoming - It was a great year for colons in titles! Re-booting a franchise and telling the same origin story for the 3rd time in 15 years is not an idea that gets you in the prestigious top 4 of Crabicurious Year in Reviews... typically. Its a testament to the fun, fast-paced, irreverent adventure Tom Holland as Spider-man took me on that its ranked this highly. Maybe I'm a sucker for movies about the High School Experience since mine was so lame.
  • #2 - The Big Sick - The funniest movie of the year also happened to be the most present and poignant, the most heart wrenching, and the best date movie of the year. This may have been the single funniest joke I heard this year. 
  • #1 - Atomic Blonde - WOAH! Upset alert. Bet you just let Atomic Blonde pass you by. If we were grading on 10 different criteria, it wouldn't be first place in any, but it would be top 3 across the board. The style, editing, cinematography, and music all were mesmerizing. Fellow Crabicurious Founder Leslie Rixman even had this as her number 1 which nobody saw coming. I go to the movies to be entertained and this was one of the most entertaining movies I've ever seen. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zack's 2017 Movie Rankings

Crabicurious.com presents the 2017 Movie Ranking Roundtable. Also check out Bryson's piece and Robert's piece. Take it away Zack:

By Zack Hubbard

What I look for in a movie is not entirely dissimilar from what I look for in a romantic partner: funny, cool, oozing with style, gets along with my friends, and loves/tolerates my love for Star Wars. Some of those things might not apply to both, but you get the deal. In any event, I go to be entertained/challenged/captured by a world and a story. Also some dope laser sword battles are high percentage shots. While I haven’t seen everything I wanted to in 2017 (Lady Bird, Disaster Artist, Big Sick, etc), mostly because of location and timing, however, here are my five faves that I did get to see.

Before we get to some happy beeps, let’s get the consensus worst movie that I saw out of the way: Transformers: The One Where Nothing of Significance Happens and These Movies Are Seriously Garbage 5. This movie was clearly made in a bubble where dialogue, pacing, and comprehensible stories are just long-forgotten concepts to be discussed with corn-cob pipes, and did I mention I just hate this thing?

Hon. Mentions: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Baby Driver, Blade Runner 2049, The Lego Batman Movie.

5. Brigsby Bear

Here’s the setup: SNL’s resident cool-dude, Kyle Mooney, stars in and co-writes a Lonely Island-produced film about a boy being released to his birth-parents after being abducted by Mark Hamill (who creates a low-grade science fiction show with a talking bear to be consumed only by the child he helped abduct) and decides to make a movie version of the fake-show he was force fed by his fake-parents. You might need to read that again. Despite the setup, this flick brings the funnies and the serious feels in a supremely sweet way. Packs a ton of heart and perfectly scratches that Parks & Rec itch I’ve had for the last few years. And I’m not afraid to admit I teared up more than once during this one.

4. Logan Lucky

I’m going to throw out some enticing concepts and you tell me if you’re in or nah: Channing Tatum. Adam Driver with an awesome accent. Daniel Craig with an even better accent. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Cameos from Dwight Yoakam, Hilary Swank, Gerry from Parks & Rec, Katie Holmes, and Seth McFarlane. Robbery. Well-developed plans. Prison. Did I mention the accents? Fast cars. Redemption. Smart writing. Guys who care about their families. Buy all the stock. Print it up. Take the ride and my money.

3. Get Out

Outside of my number one (to be revealed shortly), this is the movie I’ve thought about the most this year. It’s simultaneously timeless and very of-the-moment. Not only is it just insanely intelligent and funny, but gut-wrenchingly tense. I was sweating bullets during my viewing, feeling every moment of the journey along with Chris, played by Daniel Kaluuya (shouts to Black Mirror), albeit from my comfy chair. Also shouts to living alone so no one could hear me screaming words of encouragement to our boy in the final act. We need more challenging movies like this from Jordan Peele, who I can only imagine has mounds of thought-provoking things to say now that this was such a huge success.

2. Thor: Ragnarok

This is why you go to the movies: Smile; laugh; be wowed by the colorful pictures on the big screen; have to urinate during the last 30 minutes, but you don’t want to miss a single second; Thor vs Hulk; Jeff Goldblum as a space dictator. This is the happiest I’ve been since I left a theater since the first Guardians of the Galaxy. And Ragnarok draw a ton of comparisons to Star Lord & Co. in the comedic beats, heart, and space fantasy settings. Also I need more kiwi accents in superhero movies. And lovable characters made of rock named Korg.

1. Star Wars: Episode VIII

This isn’t the time or the place to talk about how I’ve loved Star Wars since I was but a young padawan in the 90s. Or how I can find something to love about every Star Wars movie in the canon (looking at you Jar Jar). Maybe it is the place to mention how I’ve been eagerly anticipating TLJ from the second I stepped out of my reclining seat in the theater upon finishing The Force Awakens. I’m not even here to talk about how much I love all the characters, new and old. I’m so in on Porgs. I’ll live in a Porg sanctuary right now for science and my god, the cuteness. What I am here to talk about is my emotional connection to the larger theme this movie is hammering us with: Failure. As Yoda stated after setting fire to a sacred tree, (I promise, that’s not about drugs), failure is our greatest teacher. Star Wars movies have always spoken to me in various ways throughout the years, but in that moment, I felt as if I was the one sitting on the log next to the wise Jedi master and he was speaking to me directly. Feel free to call me Young Hubbard from now on. 

Failure is a vital part of everyone’s life, but we what we take from that failure is how we grow and succeed. And throughout the movie, TLJ nets that idea home in a myriad of ways. I won’t spoil here (because I’m not a monster), but virtually every character in this movie has to grapple with the idea of failure and decide how to learn from the mistakes and move forward. It’s really satisfying to see that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away they adhere to this beautiful mantra and I will cherish that forever. Also this movie has a fucking rad lightsaber fight that I will undoubtedly watch ad nauseum on Blu Ray in a few short months. 
 

Bryson's 2017 Movie Rankings

Crabicurious.com presents the 2017 Movie Ranking Roundtable. Also check out Zack's piece and Robert's piece. Take it away Bryson:

By Bryson Beach

Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve done this whole Crabicurious thing.  I may need a tutorial on how to write a blog.  I could make up a lie and say that I’ve been uber busy with work, a bustling social life, and successfully managing Harambe FC to glory, but you all know I’m a lame.  After receiving some undesired feedback on my hilarious Valentine’s Post, I hid in shame never to be heard from again!  That’s also halfway a lie. I’d make a helluva politician.

Despite my shame, I did find time to sneak out of the house and watch 25 different 2017 releases this past year because I love spending $1000 at local cinemas every chance I get.  Anyway, 2017 is over yada yada, it sucked etc., etc., 2018 is my year blah blah. Here are my top movies of the previous year!

5. Split

This was the second film I saw this year.  The first time I heard about the movie, my friend Benno expressed how crazy the trailer looked.  Then I saw the preview I thought “Oh darn, Professor Xavier (James McAvoy) is going nuts!”.  My expectations were soon tempered when I found out the film was directed by M. Night Shyamalan.  He hadn’t directed a good film in what seemed like decades.  The Last Airbender wasn’t completely terrible, but I just couldn’t shake Marky Mark talking to plants in The Happening.

The story of the film was very fine.  The real strength was the performance of the aforementioned McAvoy.  For one actor to play so many different personalities and characters within one physical vessel was outstanding.  It went beyond the distinct accents used for each, but the little subtle facial expressions and mannerisms were award worthy.  There was one scene where McAvoy switches between multiple personalities in one scene and despite not changing clothes or turning away from the camera, you’re convinced you’re watching several different actors.  The film also did well to build up to its supernatural.  It was teased and teased, but did not rear its head to the film’s climax which I really have to commend the director on.  I’m so in on the sequel which ties in previous Shyamalan film, Unbreakable.

4. Wonder Woman

I’ve been accused of being a DC sympathizer.  Batman vs Superman wasn’t the cluster critics would have you believe (Though the portrayal of Lex Luthor was an absolute disgrace), and Suicide Squad was entertaining.  While I liked those films, they still fell well short of the classic trilogy of Batman films Christopher Nolan brought us.  That is why it was so refreshing for director Patty Jenkins to absolutely knock it out of the park with Wonder Woman.

Of course, there had to be pressure to nail a big budget superheroine film whether that’s fair or not.  I wasn’t sure how Gal Gadot would do when she was originally cast, but I was very pleased.  The story worked well for an origin story despite the character being previously established in Batman vs Superman.  Gadot masterfully showed the growth of a naïve amazon princess finding her way in a foreign world full of men and war.  Of course, I’d be rude to exclude her co-star Chris Pine.  His character, Steve Trevor was the ideal vehicle in helping Diana Prince become Wonder Woman.  There was humor, character growth, riveting action, and that kick-ass Wonder Woman theme first introduced in Dawn of Justice, what more could you want? Patty Jenkins should just direct all the live action DC films depending on how good Aquaman is…

3.  War for the Planet of The Apes

Back in 2011, Rise of The Planet of The Apes came out.  I thought “that looks dumb, Hollywood always out here remaking stuff after the already remade it with Marky Mark!”. One random evening, my roommate at the time, Drew, brought it home. We watched it and I had to retract my harsh pre-judgement. It was pretty good and I was all about whatever the sequel would be.  In 2014, I may have even taken a Friday off work, just so I could go to the theatre when it was scarce, so I could lock into Rise of The Planet of the Apes. Despite it being a movie largely comprised of primates communicating through animal sounds and sign language, I thought it was one of the best movies I had ever seen.  I must have watched it a dozen times on whatever HBOGO login I had secured when it hit streaming!

It wasn’t unfamiliar territory to find a time with a scarce crowd to watch the third and potentially final installment of the reboot, War for the Planet of the Apes.  The crazy thing is, this is in the conversation with being as good or better than the second film.  Caesar’s swan song did not come without heartbreak and redemption.  Here I am, a human, rooting for the human antagonists to meet their fate.  As the film endured, I couldn’t help but think about the adorable little Chimpanzee James Franco cared for in the first movie, the same monkey that was initially ostracized by his own kind as outsider. To see the hardened, grizzled leader he had become in the third film, forced to carry the burden of being unable to protect a wife and oldest son, was very emotional.

While apes were the “good guys”, we say a struggle of the main character, Caesar, in a constant struggle to regain the humanity that made him so special in the end.  Woody Harrelson played the perfect sadistic heel to foil the apes.  His character wasn’t completely black hearted, as we were given ample background to why he became so dastardly.  Matt Reeves directed the last two installments of the series and if he can summon the same magic he found with the Apes series and Cloverfield, there may be hope for Batfleck.

2. Get Out

Stay woke, fam.  Wow.  I didn’t know Peele had it in him.  The first time I heard of the film, a friend shared the trailer on Facebook.  I couldn’t tell if it was serious or a spoof.  I appreciated the concept.  There’s few things in this world nervier than meeting your significant other’s parents for the very first time.  The only thing even more testy is when it’s an interracial relationship.  If you don’t know anything about me, I’m black.  I tend to date outside my race more often than not so this film is literally my nightmare scenario.  I was so spooked I nearly gave up on white women for life! (That’s a joke).

Never the less, the premise of the film was very unique.  One of my favorite things about the film was all the subtle referrals to racial injustices and inequalities, we may not even realize.  There were also tons of references to stereotypes between and misconceptions between the races.  There were several things I didn’t catch the first time through (yes, I saw it twice).

While I’ve never been happier to see someone eviscerate a middle-aged therapist mom in my life during the film’s conclusion, there was something else that made the film amazing. I’ve discussed the symbolism throughout the film, but Chris’ best friend in the movie, Rod (Lil Rel Howery), killed every scene he was in as the comedic conspiracy relief.  It wasn’t overdone, and kept things lighthearted amidst tense moments.  I love that the movie was very suspenseful without being a truly gory horror flick and the best part was a happy ending.  Unless you’re a racist!  Then you definitely took an L.

1. Logan

It wasn’t easy picking between the top 3, but my top film of 2017 was Hugh Jackman’s final portrayal of Wolverine in Logan.  It’s insane for me to think that the first x-men movie came out in 2000.  The whole franchise has had some up and downs, but this may be the crown jewel.

While most would say Wolverine is the role Hugh Jackman is known for if pressed, the man has some serious acting chops outside of the comic book, action realm.  My mans was on Broadway winning Tony Awards.  I feel as if this film allowed him to incorporate more of his dramatic acting ability than he had in any of the previous installments.  Tasked with the burden of taking care of a broken Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart), facing his own mortality, and being forced into an unfamiliar father role, the Logan character faced a unique set of challenges that provoked different depths of character to surface.

The choice to loosely base the film on the Old Logan storyline was vindicated.  The more important choice was to let the film flourish under an R rating.  Wolverine and Laura aka X-23 were liberated to be as violent and bloodthirsty as they needed to be in disposing of their foes.  It was something that they weren’t shy about either as we saw during Laura’s first encounter with the mutant hunters.

Watching the film, you got a sense of what the titular character’s fate would be early on.  Luckily, we were able to see some comedic spars between Logan and Charles we hadn’t been able to see with the Patrick Stewart incarnation of the Professor Xavier character.  We got the emotional payoff we deserved during the climax of the film when the dying x-men legend was referred to as dad.  The movie alone likely would’ve made the list, but given it’s the culmination of years of torment, layers, blood, sweat, and tears of the live action journey of Wolverine it must take the cake.

 

Honorable Mention: It: Horrifyingly delicious. Thor: A fun ride that seemed to perfect the formula of GotG 1.

Worst Movie of the Year: Transformers 5. Seriously. Stop supporting these films.  Negative 50000 stars.  Although, John Cena is going to be in the Bumblebee spinoff….

 

Generic Bitter Valentine’s Post About Nothing

By Bryson Beach

Call me soft, emasculate me, do whatever you want, but I’m a hopeless (and very helpless) romantic.  I think a Walk To Remember is a great movie, I have a playlist labelled “<3” just to keep the good vibes going when I’m head over heels over someone.  So it’s only natural that I get super hyped up or super emo around Valentine’s Day each year.  Of course, my mood is always pushed one way or another based on my prospective muse at the time.  As 2016 was coming to a conclusion, my friend Rachel made sure to pass along the ominous term of “Super Single ‘17” to me.  I told myself, this year would be different, I was done with the #ForeverAlone life! But who was I kidding?  I must have not picked Cupid for my pickup basketball team in gym class or something, because he’s been hatin’ on yours truly for year.  My favorite Greek Mythology figure was always Hercules.  Maybe that’s why Aphrodite has forsaken me too.  Or maybe it’s Saint Valentine himself? To be so invested in this holiday, I haven’t the slightest inkling to its backstory or origin.  You know what, I’ll Wikipedia it now!

Alrighty, I’m back. The story’s alright, I’m sure you’ll go read up on it your spare time, right?  So I was just dwelling on when I became so emotionally invested in this gimmicky holiday.  It had to be elementary school.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  I was a young curly head kid without his two front teeth at West Ruslip Elementary School in England going from classmate to classmate, putting some cheesy candy gram or sweet tart in a crappy-decorated shoebox.  I can recall having crushes on girls even back then, but I had no idea what the end game was.  The pinnacle at that point may have been holding hands on the playground.  Also, with so many kids exchanging candy, weren’t any of the responsible adults aware of the risks!? I’m a diabetic now, it was probably all their fault. I should sue! It definitely has nothing to do with genetics.

The point I’m trying to convey, is even back then it meant something.  That something meant a sugar rush and a potential headache for my au pair when I got home, but it meant something.  Was I going to get the most cards, the most delicious candy, or did I have the coolest shoebox?  It was an important day to a bunch of children who had to real grasp or concept of love, but the day still meant something.

Fast forward to middle school and high school.  By then most of us were really taking an interest in the opposite sex (or same sex if that floats your boat or finds your lost remote… That’s an Outkast reference inside another reference! Boom!)  At this point, I had to look cool in front of the ladies, I was worried about my hair, my clothes, and my perception. The freedom I had when I was a kid was gone and I became very self-conscious.  Of course, the end game at this point was maybe getting a quick kiss in the hallway, for me anyway!  Those vultures, the adults, who had promoted diabetes in elementary school started to capitalize on raging hormones and innocent crushes via real candy grams and compatibility tests. 

I can remember the Student Council or some other extra-curricular school group would sit in the lunch room at good old West Middle School in the greatest city in America (Shelbyville) and over to personally deliver a rather generic cherry sucker to the person of your choosing for a dollar!  This was an opportunity to really go for it.  I beg momma for a dollar, probably lie and say I need it for a special lunch item or to get a cool pencil out of the machine in the library, when in reality I would use that dollar to send a candy gram to that beautiful girl I was afraid to speak to in person.  Of course, I was assured this was a very wise investment because she asked for the answer to question 7 on the science test and I let her in on the answer.  We were in love! Not. Not at all.

Then, when I had been promoted from a West Middle Warrior to big bad Shelby County High School Rocket, those adults got me again.  Just like the previous times where they hid behind the ‘student’ council, BETA society, or chess club, they were back at it with compatibility tests.  You answer a series of generic questions and if you paid $2 then you could get your results to see who else in the school you were compatible with.  They were really taxing out there! I may have had to lie to my mom again, but Valerie Beach would understand since it was in the pursuit of love, right?   

So I’m assuming that this little cheesy test will confirm the suspicions that the cute girl from my bus route was meant to be because sometimes we sat near each other! Oh no, what if it’s the wild sophomore who I have a scene with in the spring musical? Surely our on-stage chemistry is a reflection of what could be when we weren’t getting our Richard Gere & Julia Roberts on, right? Nope. Not. At. All.  I want a frickin’ refund, SCHS.

Despite the gimmicky attempts by the school to make a quick buck off the special day, it did mean the world at that point.  I was older, I was pretty sure I knew what love was because I’d listened to a ton of Boyz II Men, Babyface, and Luther Vandross and they were singing their hearts out about love and heartbreak.  I also had an extremely lucrative part time job at McDonald’s, so I could buy gifts and stuff!  I remember through some luck (or curse), I ended up being the only guy in my French 3 & 4 classes.  Of course I only ended up taking French instead of the much more practical and useful Spanish because I convinced myself knowing such a language would help me with women.  Remember when I said I was a very helpless romantic? This is one of the great illustrations;  I remember like yesterday bringing in a rose for reach peer in my French class for Saint Valentine’s little special day.  Of course, there was one particularly gorgeous upper classmate I adored.  I coughed up like $7 and got her a bracelet.  She clearly liked me because we would sometimes be partners when practicing French dialogue, right? Nope. Not a chance.

(Bonus illustration of my helpless romantics:  If I played a video game like Final Fantasy where you could rename the characters, I’d take full advantage of it.  Cloud or Squall would be renamed Brys naturally because they were the main characters.  The comical characters or sidekicks would be renamed after my homies, ofcourse.  But the love interest of the main character… you guessed it.  They’d be renamed to that of the girl I was convinced I’d be marrying that week.  Can you imagine coming up to a girl and being like ‘I named you in my game! We slayed the Omega Weapon together!!! Nerdy and lame. That’s me).

By the summer of 2006, this SCHS Rocket was blasting off into the air to become a Louisville Cardinal.  I had one serious girlfriend in high school.  She was great, but it didn’t work out. Just between us, totally not my fault.  As I started my brave new journey at the greatest university in the galaxy,  I got the chance to meet hundreds of new friends, grow up, and travel to the most frustrating place on the earth.  I wonder if any of y’all have been there.  See this location seems to have all you want.  It has great company, laughs, and potential.  The further you go into this island that seemed nothing but a tropical paradise, you soon discover it’s a bit of a mirage.  Being there is like running out of bottled water in the middle of the ocean.  Welcome to THE FRIENDZONE.  Spending too much time on the friendzone island will really make you question yourself.  Sure you’re repeatedly told how much of a great guy you are, how some woman will be truly blessed to have you as her Prince Charming one day, but it never seems to come to fruition. 

Being left on the Friendzone Island always seemed to happen as I built up my confidence to ask that lovely lady out for a beautiful Valentine’s Day dinner.  I was gonna have the candlelight, I was gonna have the sappy R&B playing (I got playlists for every situation on my iTunes, fam), and it was going to be magical.  Nope. Never materialized.

Some of my peers dealt with loneliness by dubbing Mr. Valentine’s Day “Single Awareness Day”, others simply drank themselves stupid.  If it hasn’t become apparent through this piece or previous ones, I’m a bit of a square.  I didn’t have my first sip of alcohol till I turned 21 because it’s illegal before then!!!!  Even after that, I didn’t starting drinking drinking till I was around 23, but I digress.  I was fortunate to have a great group of friends in those college years and for most of it we all were single on each February 14th.  So what did we do? Go out to eat as a group, chill, have impromptu dance parties, or sing karaoke games on the PS2.  It was lit.

I was/am an adult now and it means more than ever.  I could place the importance on love any day of the year, but since I was a mini-Brys, I’ve been trained to think so much of this day.  I always joke with my friends my ultimate goal in life is to “get wifed up and act brand new”.  In plain English, I jokingly claim to find the love of my life, settle down with her, and cease all communication with my friends and put all my focus of my lover.  Now, to find ‘bae’ I need some momentum that will crescendo on Valentine’s Day.  In my warped mine, the journey starts on New Year’s Eve.

NYE should be a time to celebrate another year with loved ones and friends, getting very intoxicated, and starting the next year on a high note.  That’s how it’s supposed to be.  It usually starts out that way , but then ole’ emo ‘I Need A Girl Part 1’ by Diddy & Usher Bryson has to come out.  When the ball drops, you’re supposed to have a kiss right?  That’s the springboard to avoid the annual ‘Just me January’ and power thru February 14th and if I can make it there, the possibilities are endless.  This plan sounds ridiculous at best, but it’s a plan! Of course, in 2014 and 2015 I got my kiss.  I was making out with a big, beautiful bottled figure…. Bottle of champagne. #Losing.

I had resigned to my own fortress of solitude forever.  My new prerogative was to be the freshest man in the building every February.  My uncle had given this dope pink Lacoste cardigan.  You’re darn right, I wear it every year with a matching tie.  At least I’ll look good right?

This past year in general was pretty good. I got a new car, got a promotion, beat The Witcher 3, and got to relive my former glory of being a Pokémon master thanks to a neat little app.  It was truly a banner year for one Bryson Tyler Beach!  My Valentine’s Day was okay.  There was a lot of snow, but I had just purchased my car the day before so while I was Bae-less, it was alright.  Carmen Elantra could be my bae that day.  I spent the majority of the summer chasing someone who it didn’t work out with.  Down in my dumps and ready to throw in the towel like Rocky should have down for Apollo, I turned to a notorious ‘dating’ app for all the superficial reasons.  Be more savage! That’ll work!  I met the most beautiful, down-to-earth, sincere, funny person I ever met in my entire life. It was a real connection and this probably sounds super corny (once again that’s my shtick), but to this day when she texts me, I get this huge smile on my face, even if it’s just a “how are you”?  As my luck would go, it was the perfect girl at the wrong time and all I got to share with her in person was a month.  Who knows, maybe I should just suck it up and follow her out west?  I’m too much of a coward. LOL! He thinks I forgot, but Cupid is probably behind this. Such a hater.

The roller coaster continued as I started falling for someone who was coveted by a friend for a while. I kept it to myself, even if it was obvious to the world and did what I could to make them work.  Have y’all ever heard the Kanye song“Theraflu/Cold”?  There’s a lyrical sequence in there that goes as such:  “And I’ll admit, I had fell in love with Kim/Around the same time she had fell in love with him/Well that’s cool, baby girl, do ya thang/Lucky, I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team”  Well if you pretend I’m Yeezus, Kim is the girl who I coveted, and ‘him’ (Kris Humphries IRL) is my friend then you get it.  Of course, the team in the real song is the Nets.   That’d be replaced by the greatest indoor soccer team of all time, Harambe FC, and Jay-Z would also be me because I am the coach/founder. Confused yet? I’ll do you one better!

Y’all remember that Usher song “You Make Me Wanna”?  How he’s talking about he wants to leave the one he’s with and start a new relationship with the one who he used to run and talk to when he and his girl were having problems? (I hope you’re singing this sentence to the melody, by the way).  In this scenario I was hoping she would feel like Usher, and I’d be the one that’d make her wanna.

Still confused? He’s another song example! Jk jk of course, when the time was right and the two were done, I told her my sentiments.  I shot my shot as the kids say these days and… I shot a brick off the rim.  Vanquished to the Friendzone again, but it’s okay because she’s still incredible, even If she says I’m just a friend *Mario Voice*

So here I am, sitting in a bed at 3:09 AM on January 15th with my cat, Ginobili, lying next to me sulking and worrying over some stupid holiday again.  The Bryson Tiller bumping through my earphones right now doesn’t add to the situation.  In-The-Feels-Friday has carried over through the weekend!  This is supposed to be the conclusion, the paragraph that wraps up everything.  To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m even writing this piece.  I haven’t written anything for a while and it’s still a month away from Valentine’s.  Maybe I’ll meet her tomorrow? Maybe she’s at work? Maybe she’s on the soccer team (Though TMZ would love a juicy coach/player romance!), or maybe I won’t meet her ever.  I know one thing, writing this piece has been low-key therapeutic.  I can be romantic, I don’t need a random day in February to justify it.  Just quickly scanning over what I’ve written is hilariously sad.  It’s gonna be alright, but if you’re not doing anything on Tuesday, February 14th, shoot me a text J.  #ShootYourShot2017

Check out the latest from The Louisville Beat::

Gorilla Gang: The Oral History of The Greatest Indoor Team There Ever Was

By Bryson Beach

My First Sports Love: Soccer

I love soccer.  I love it like I love pizza, and if you know me, you know I love pizza like Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo, or Raphael.  The game is fast paced, fluid, and tactically diverse.  You can play in the simmering heat of June or the blistering cold of December.  I really have to credit my love of the beautiful game to my father, however.

When I was five, his service to the United States Navy took the family to England.  Despite leaving Virginia Beach for London, football reigned king in both places.  These are two different types of football, but both just as appealing and exciting for young Bryson Tyler Beach.  Maybe it was the embassy’s location in North London, but for whatever reason my father gravitated to a local football club, Arsenal.  It was only natural I followed suit and became enthralled by the likes of Ian Wright, Dennis Bergkamp, and David Seaman.  When I moved back to The States years later, I traded in my shin guards for shoulder pads, but the love and passion for the sport and Arsenal never left.  I’ve been a Gooner since 1993, and ain’t nothin’ changed.

Inebriated Beginnings: The Immaculate Conception Of The Squad

The origins of the team were quite humble.  Let me set the scene for y’all.  Twas the evening of August 13th and I was meeting with a group of friends at Louisville’s greatest establishment, Great Flood Brewery, following a Louisville City FC game.  It’s safe to say my amigos were at various levels of sobriety because LCFC games are LIT… apparently.   Despite my proclamation of love for soccer, I can be as snobby as a legacy Ivy League frat boy about it.  I grew up watching the Premier League (The Best League in the world), so despite having a competitive domestic league in the states, the city’s own minor league team, and the University of Louisville constantly competing for national titles, I just cannot get into it.  

Any who!  My usual group of friends I play trivia with were in attendance.  There was one new face, too! An attractive, vibrant blonde named Claire who was a friend of Morgan (my movie going partner in crime from my review entries).  So after I went through the whole “Hey, I’m Bryson, who are you, what’s your story, boo?” spiel, we got to talking about nothing other than soccer.  Maybe the conversation was sparked by the game they had just watched or the fresh new Arsenal away kit I was rocking. It was at that moment, with the smooth sounds of Teddy Pendergrass’ “Close The Door” bumping over the speakers and the aroma of carefully crafted beer enticing our sense of smell that she leant forwards, gazed into my eyes and …………………… Told me about a local indoor soccer league.  

We exchanged numbers, and I’m sure there was some skepticism on her part.  The ole “pretend you’re interested in starting a soccer team, but then text you to spit game” is a classic.  My mind was in motion of how to construct a super team, but first I needed a name.  It was easy.  In honor of the legendary primate who was murdered in cold blood, we would be known as Harambe FC! Our players and fans would be proudly known as Harambaes.

The Road to Filling Out a Super Team: The Recruiting Trail

Not to sound too egotistical, but for my college basketball fans, I liken myself to Coach Cal or Roy Williams on my ability to recruit and attract top notch talent to my program.  Of course, I do not have the pressure to have boosters pay my players off, forge an SAT score, or create a fake African American studies class, but I digress!  I did some research into the league, tried to assimilate the unique co-ed rules into my general soccer knowledge and made a list of friends who had played in high school or on the sneaky competitive U of L intramural circuit in my college days.  

My first targets were Claire, obviously, and that oft-referenced trivia group.  Dave was crazy enough to wake up at 7 am to go watch Liverpool at the local Molly Malone’s, even though they’ve never ever won any league title since the Premier League was branded [editors note: :( ].  Brady was a beast back in middle school and never stopped watching the game or playing FIFA.  There was also my homie Patrick, who once scored a sick volley for the unflappable Shelby County Rockets junior varsity team. Also, Morgan.  She had never formally played the sport but she looks athletic, so with me basically being known (in my own head) for developing talent, I figured I could mold her into Alex Morgan at the very least!  

All the guys seemed so interested when I first floated the idea around and I was already pigeonholing them into set positions.  It was all good in the hood until the startling revelation that games would be on Sunday Afternoons.  “I dunno, Bryson!” they said. “That’s hangover and football season” they said!  “I don’t want players who aren’t willing to give a long season for this team!” I said!  Despite David being unable to play, he did remind me of another SCHS Legend in Tre, who pounced on the opportunity to play in honor of our fallen gorilla deity. 

The “Sundays are for recovering” excuse” was a minor set-back for a major setback because I’m as resilient as a cockroach. My brother loves soccer more than I do; he played in high school, and may have legitimately played 12 million online FIFA matches so he was an easy get.  Bryan’s connections led me to Callie, a friend from high school, and probably our best player.  Callie’s commitment led us to her Beau, Jared.  Jared is the youngest member of the squad, but what he lacks in age, he makes up in tenacity and foot skills.  
I had my youthful core so I turned up the heat on Anthony next.  He’s half-German, half-Black like half of the USMNT these days (Fabian, Jermaine Jones, John Brooks, Julian Green, etc.), so by simple bloodlines and pedigree he had to be good.  Anthony tipped me off to Jessica, an old college buddy, and Brittany, college soccer star turned awesome mom to the adorable Clay.  Anthony also tipped me off to Felipe, who actually works with me at my amazing company (Sucking up could get me somewhere!).  How could I be so blind to not see the great talent in the very same building as myself!?

Like Morgan, there were a few others who didn’t have the prerequisite experience to step in and thrive.  Akin to the way our squeaky clean, morally rich Hall of Fame Coach Rick Pitino molded the likes of Russ Smith and Gorgui Dieng into successes, I believed I could do the same with indoor soccer players.  So like Felipe, my amazing company (more brownie points), led me to basketball enthusiast, young Jonathan Noonan.  Jon and I had really built a strong relationship by taking our mandated 15 minute break each afternoon to go searching for Charmanders and Pikachu’s on Pokémon Go.  Judge if you want, but all the cool kids do it.  Jon was all in as he loves to stay active.  

Another key late signing, DJ Deuce of 1200 fame took the leap of faith to come to a practice one day on his historic trek to get fit.  Who would have thought a man with such disdain for soccer players’ cinematics ended up falling in love with the sport like America fell in love for Taylor Swift before realizing her kiss-n-tell, oh-my-God-I-Can’t-Believe-I-Won-This-Award-Again act got played out.

Baltimore Bob, Crabicurious’ co-owner and another forsaken Liverpool fan, suggested that Hannah Black because of her prior experience.  I have to say Hannah was an excellent addition for her ability to make runs down the wing like a real player.  Not Daniel Sturridge, but Theo Walcott.  Chemistry is a big part of any squad’s success.  It was helpful that real gym rats Ben Eiden and Zack Hubbard had previously joined the team.  They have such high motors, they’re scrappy, and high soccer IQs and every other stereotype commentators lazily attribute to white players way too frequently.  Point being, they’ve had the pleasure of being friends with Hannah way longer than I have, and I anticipated that playing out positively on the field. 

I’m far from a praying man, but the last two full time additions to Harambe FC were a bit of a god-send.  Or maybe I’m just lucky?  It was a mid-afternoon practice at Champion’s Park when a few peoples were just kicking the ball around.  There was a gentleman up there in goalie attire just hoping to be selected in a pick-up game.  We spoke, he played with us, and after inquiring we discovered his name was Bobby.  All Bobby really wants to do is play in the goal and he’s superb.  By his own admission, he got into soccer pretty late.  I want to call him a liar to his face because he’s the best goalie in the indoor league, there’s no way he picked it up this week.  He’s basically David De Gea but better.  Of course no one is without flaw as Bobby is a Liverpool fan.  Where did all these people come from!?  It could be worse, I suppose.  Manchester United and Chelsea are really despicable clubs.

Bobby’s inclusion in the squad delivered us our second John, one of his own friends. John has proven to be a jack of all trades.  He’s scored when we really needed him too, he’s tracked back and cleared the ball, and he even showed up from work once to play a game in casual shorts! 

I had done it; I had assembled a team that would even make the Avengers blush.  A few practices under our belts and scrimmages with the regulars at Champion’s Park and middle aged men with tempers at Seneca Park had gotten up our conditioning to a reasonable standard.  It was time to turn on the lights and dominate the season.

Lights, Camera, Action: The Regular Season

Game 1: GOAT 9, Harambe FC 4 – Baptism By Fire

The media was buzzing about the debut of newly minted expansion team.  I had the mindset that if we played our game plan, no team could beat us!  There whispers that this team, GOAT, were a staple in the indoor league.  Not to judge a book by its cover, but in warmups, they looked like a posse of young adults with some skill, but even with several players unable to make their debut, I was not worried.  The game had a fill of snafus as we generally were inexperienced in applying the unique co-ed rules in a real game situation.

Some of the rules are disrespectful to women in my opinion. Joan of Arc and Susan B. Anthony didn’t die for this! I could really get on my soap box, but it what is.  At one point the game was 2-2 behind goals from Callie & Bryan, and I felt like it could tilt either way.

Then the GOATs really showed their form.  They started scoring at will, and not even Bobby’s goalkeeping heroics could survive the onslaught.  Towards the end of the game, we even saw the opposing goal keeper dribble out and pull a few tricks like a real scumbag.  There was quite a bit more showboating that may or may have not drawn the retaliation of Bryan running someone into a wall and Jared showing off of skills of own.  I call that passion and I was proud! In the aftermath of the game, it was revealed that the “young adults” we played actually play at a local university.  I want to take this opportunity to give a big shout out for college athletes competing in the lowest co-ed indoor soccer division. It really provides our recreational team with a great opportunity to face top notch competition!  Disclaimer: That was sarcasm.

Game 2: Harambe FC 6, FSU 5 – First Franchise Victory

A team that had so much hype had faced adversity so early.  Would the Harambaes have the testicular fortitude to recover? ESPN.com really played up the controversy that the three goal scorers from the previous game (Bryan, Callie, Jared) would be playing for their other team, FSU 11.  If I forgot to mention there’s a big tendency for people to play on multiple teams in this very particular league.  There’s also several last minute “hey, bro. We’re short and we saw you play a second ago, can you fill in for our team, dude?”  
With a juicy storyline, the game known labeled as the Civil War or Beach Bowl for pitting Bryson and Bryan Beach against each other, set up to be a classic.  It didn’t quite live up to the hype.  Without 3 stars, Harambe FC was bolstered by the season debuts of Anthony, Tre, Drew, Felipe, and Brittany despite the group not being in game-shape! If you didn’t skip over the recruitment session, you’ll know I mentioned the important of chemistry and relationships.  Who would have known Claire and Brittany once played together at Centre College.  I’m out here reviving lost friendships! (Or maybe they secretly had beef, but they were familiar with each other!) .  Despite the close score line, Harambe FC did have a commanding 6-2 lead late into the game before conceding. Zack, who by his own admission is a CAM, showed his versatility in coming up with an infinite amount of defensive clearances.  My proudest moment was when the constant pestering from myself and world-class trash talker, Ben, prompted my little brother to turn around and tell me “F--- Off!” #Goals #BryanPlayedLikeATrashEmoji

Game 3: Kowabunga 10, Harambe FC 7 – The Zorn Avenue Shootout

The historic first win in franchise history had us feeling great.  Admittedly, I was a little lax on my darling gorillas in the week leading up to the clash with Kowabunga.  Unfortunately, Team Kowabunga was a little bit better than TMNT 2 (check out my review here! (hyperlink Rob? Thanks) ).  My lackluster coaching really did us in.  We were not tracking back on defense and that left the defense wider than the Red Sea.  Stephen A. Smith would later have to address the rumors on First Take that Jon Noonan had chastised Coach Beach for not chastising his players on the pitch.  Insiders said that Noonan was calling for more vocal scolding to prod players.  

Of course, the positive was that we had increased our goal scoring output for the second consecutive game.  James Harden is my favorite basketball player.  If he doesn’t have to play defense, why should my indoor team? …because we need to win another game.

Game 4: Ghost Army 4, Harambe FC 2 – Beach’s Last Stand

Going into the week four matchup, Ghost Army had a great defensive record, but had a lower goal scoring output than the righteous defenders of Harambe’s honor.  I was confident in my ability to break the dramatic one game losing streak.  Former prospects turned part-time coaches David Cole and Brady LaFollette swung by practice mid-week to provide a rugged, confidence building session with practice team Phenom Dee Williams, leading up to the game.  In what would later be described the dumbest motivational tactic of all time, Coach Beach declared that if his team should lose the game, he would resign. That was almost as stupid as me continually jumping to referring to myself in first person and then third person.  

There were really two key factors that decided the outcome of the game.  The first being that there were only two women available for our team.  While lower-tier coed indoor soccer should be your everything, sometimes my players were susceptible to silly life distractions like family, jobs, or oil changes! The reason that having just Callie and Claire was so detrimental is that you must have at least two women on the pitch at all times.  We had no substitutes and while both of the true Harambabes gave everything they had, playing 48 minutes without a break is quite taxing.  I let the girls down, I let the team down!
Despite the endurance challenge our girls had to go through, there were still opportunities to tie or win the game.  I still contend Bobby is our best goalie of all eras, but Ghost Army found a true physical specimen.  Their goalie stood a full 11 feet tall.  I’m not sure if his father was the Jolly Green Giant or Andre the Giant but despite sending him more shots than Lindsay Lohan at a bar!  Pure height alone allowed him to cover the entire length and width of the goal.  Needless to say, after the game, GM, Owner, and Co-Founder Bryson Beach fired Bryson Beach, the coach, immediately and appointed Dave Cole as the new coach.  A truly dark day in Harambe history.

Game 5: Nutmegs 10, Harambe FC 4 – Hallowengate


In David Cole’s first game in charge… he didn’t even show up.  There was quite a bit of optimism given the similarities in the Nutmegs to Ghost Army.  The tactics which had just failed the Harambaes a week prior were supposed to lead to their second franchise victory.

On the eve of Halloween, something really freaky went down.  Everyone’s first touch let them down.  We were like a bunch of zombies out there.  The Walking Dead had taken to the soccer pitch! The other team was getting through our defense like we were a bunch of ghosts!  It’d be easy to blame  Dave for abandoning his team responsibilities, but there just had to be something else going on.  While the team and the league searched for answers, a popular news outlet may have found an answer.  

In an exclusive TMZ report, photos and video surfaced of an outrageously wild Halloween party several members and officials of Harambe FC attended.  There were reports of drinks, lewd dancing, and even a vicious assault on a piñata.  Luckily for the team, the piñata declined to press charges, though there still is an ongoing investigation. There was even an unconfirmed report, an undisclosed team member suffered an injury after falling from a tree.  I cannot confirm nor deny our participation in said celebration. But hypothetically, if we were there, someone on the team would definitely be playing great music, someone would be a Pokémon character, and someone definitely wouldn’t have passed out in the grass.  Hypothetically…

Game 6: Harambe FC 5, Delayed Milestones 2 –Return To Glory

With speculation and questions surrounding Halloween-gate still lingering over the team, what could possibly be down to put a lid on all the negative press.  Well they say that winning cures everything.  They also say Harambe wasn’t murdered in cold blood.  They don’t always know what they’re talking about.  Due to a scheduling conflict, our young guns of Jaren, Bryan, and Callie were contractually obligated to play for FSU 11 at the same time the Harambe matchup was happening.  

Harambe FC was bolstered by their squad depth of regulars, the return of Supermom Brittany Blankenbaker playing in front of her son & husband, and the one week signing of Famous Amos Flomo.  I firmly believe I have too much recruiting prowess for anyone to handle, but somehow I missed the fact that Amos also worked with me at the nation’s greatest company.   He was a One Man Gang, though quite smaller than the professional wrestler of the same name.  Sure, we fell behind 1-0, but we were in control the entire game.  Everyone seemed to play as a team, John K was the defensive MVP, and Jon Noonan credits himself with starting as the true catalyst behind the team’s success.
If you have the displeasure of personally knowing me, you’ll know one of my worst traits is that I’m super petty.  You may as well call me Petty Wap or Petty Crocker. So it was  great to ravel in the turmoil amongst our opponents as they struggled to keep up with the Gorilla Gang.  A healthy scratch for the game, Benno, still tried to repair is reputation as a bad locker-room guy by cheering on his teammates throughout the game.  A spectator on the other end of the facility could hear an audible “Eeeeeee!” whenever DJ Deuce put a move on an unsuspecting defender or whenever Felipe would work his magic in the middle of the field.  An especially pleasing moment was when a member of Delayed Milestones, playing in a Cubs jersey shirt, was dribbling down the flank, only to be greeted by a “He just bought that shirt last week!” by Ben.  It’s appropriate that our opponents’ initials were DM, because we slid (tackled) into theme like a thirsty teenager on twitter.

Game 7: Suga Lumps 4, Harambe FC –Nuts and Bolts, Nuts and Bolts, We Got Screwed
10 O’clock Game.
 

Supermoon illuminating the sky...  The aftershock of the most contentious and polarizing presidential election in history...  These were merely the background subplots of a truly frustrating and hostile game.  Before the game even started, previous coach Bryson Beach had panicked and overbooked a team to compete.  For whatever reason, he questioned his team’s passion and commitment so he asked extras to come to the 10 o’clock game.  People will be sleep by 10 pm!  People will be watching TWD! People will want to be able to work in the morning and not ache because most the team is closer to 30 than 20!  All of these theories were disproved as a near full squad showed up, plus additions of Marny, Emily, Sarah, and Austin.  I even had to turn some people away.  

The 10 pm kick off was delayed by a few minutes.  Everyone knows that Harambe FC wears all black in protest of the unjust killing of our ape savior. Let’s just ignore the fact Suga Lumps has tenure in the league and probably has been wearing black for years. It was disrespect when our team of 74.5 were forced to wear makeshift yellow tops like the ones you wear in grade school PE class.  Symbolically, it felt like we were strapped down by the chains of true tyranny!

Speaking of tyrants, the referee may be cut from the same cloth as infamous NBA ref, Joey Crawford.  He had played for a team we played earlier in the season and seemed to have it out for us.  There was a faux sliding call on Felipe when he clearly tripped.  Bryan being hit in the head by the goalie  on a header attempt, but being the one who was penalized.  Missed handballs! Tre, enraged by a questionable tackling infraction, paid the young ref a verbal lashing that would make John McEnroe proud.  No, the ref didn’t throw Tre out, no he didn’t even give him a yellow card.  He told him to take a seat, he couldn’t even reprimand correctly!

I know you’re enjoying my maturity as a leader by placing the blame squarely on an official.  It takes a lot of humility and non-bias to do so.  So shout out to me.  In all seriousness, we lost the game but we got some sweet squad pics and action shots during the game from Elaine, the team photographer.  There was an Adam Schefter tweet that revealed Elaine was actually born in Brazil.  This has prompted team officials to ask why she doesn’t play.  Totally not stereotyping here, but if she was born in Brazil and can speak Portuguese, she has to be at least as good as Marta or Neymar.  At least.

The Future Of The Gorilla Gang

The season ended with a very mediocre 2-5 record.  We were able to finish 12th (out of 16) on some silly goal differential tie-breaker.  People scoffed, people laughed, people rolled their eyes when I told them about my vision to create the world’s greatest lowest tier coed-indoor soccer team!  They’re still probably doing all those things, but I ain’t got time for that.  The playoffs are this Sunday (11/20/2016), and we play OG United.  They finished pretty well, and I could hold off on writing these until we win the tournament this weekend, but I wanted to relive all the magic now.  

After the conclusion of the regular season, a few players had some quotes when asked about the season:

  • Benno – “Hmmmm… I’m positive I made a greater impact being drunk on the bench than I ever did on the field”
  • Tre – “ Basically ,we need to run to open spaces off the ball so the person with it isn’t taking on 3 people at a time”
  • DJ Deuce aka Drew-  “Free Kodak”
  • Bryan – “Nothing off the top of my head”
  • Morgan – “Ouch” and “Eeeeeee! *Ben Voice*”

This has been a blast and one day I’ll get back into great shape and dominate myself (I was a monster midfielder in the Cleer Creek Rec League Plus).  For now, I’ll continue to GM and organize.  I fell in love with soccer when I was 5, we hit a bit of a lull in my teens, but I kept up with her through mutual friends in my early 20s.  Now, here at 28, I think we’re fully reunited, and it feels so good. Marriage upcoming?

Special Thanks to: Dee, Elaine, Sarah, Hayley, Marny, Emily, Austin, Brady, Dave, Amos, Meg, Sarah, and Liz for filling in spots, helping us practice, and being our cheering section.

What's Bryson Watching: Dr. Strange

Photo by JAY MAIDMENT/MARVEL

Written by Bryson Beach

Salutations Crabicurious Crabs!  I know it’s been quite some time since yours truly submitted an entry (July, but who’s counting).  I wish I had a legitimate excuse for my lack of productivity, but I’m afraid I couldn’t even fabricate one at this point.  I do hope all of you found all the sunshine rays and summer love you could handle the past few months, I’ve certainly had my own adventures…

But this isn’t the time for me to dwell on misadventures in romance!  I’m sure there will be another post for that sooner or later (Spoiler?).  Despite the lack of reviews, I never discontinued my movie going ways with my trustee movie going partner, Morgan.  There was Suicide Squad, Sausage Party, Secret Life of Pets among others I had the pleasure of watching.  So here we are in November and everyone’s thirst for the next legitimate Marvel Movie Experience has been quenched.  This time in the form of Scott Derrickson’s film adaptation of Doctor Strange.

First and foremost, while I’m aware who the hero of the film is, I am a lot less familiar with his origin, capabilities, struggles than I am with Iron Man, Spiderman, Luke Cage, Starlord, Captain America, The Hulk, Jessica Jones, Black Widow, Daredevil, Wolverine…. Basically any of the other recent live action adaptation heroes.    Typically in watching a Marvel movie or series, I call on my knowledge of the characters I’m watching from comics, graphic novels, and other media.  While I felt a little unequipped going in, I think it was just exciting to take it for what it was and enjoy the movie without being overly critical.  So if Steven Strange happens to be one of your favorites and some of my positive or negatives seem misguided or misplaced, let me know!  I’d love to be enlightened further on the character.

(Proceed with caution: Spoilers are ahead!)

The movie starts with quite an opening sequence. We’re introduced to the film’s villain, Kaecilius, who is up to do no good (obviously!) as well as The Ancient One.  The two engage in quite the visual duel complete with ever changing scenery and magic.  The scene previewed a number of things I have prominent thoughts about.  The physical fighting itself was fluid and I have no doubt there was a great deal of choreography and training put in by all parties involved, but the camera work didn’t do it justice.  I feel like it should have been shot further away from the actual combatants.  While viewing, I couldn’t clearly discern who was punching or kicking who.  If the shot zoomed out just a bit more, I feel like it would have come off better.  Then again, I still may be spoiled from the phenomenal work of Daredevil Season One, another MCU masterpiece. 

While the physical fighting visuals left a little bit to be desired, the other elements of the action sequences were on point.  Doctor Strange is a sorcerer who wields magic.  Obviously there is no one on Earth who can legitimately conjure magic for attacking or defensive purposes except for David Blaine (joking)!  To portray this on the big screen, the director used a lot of special effects.  In all honesty, I had some trepidation before viewing, but those concerns were quickly erased within the first five minutes of the motion picture.  The special effects didn’t come off corny or minor league (Think Ryan Reynolds’ Green Lantern).  

Further delving into the special effects wizardry (see what I did there because…. You get it), were the beautiful settings during the fight.  Obviously there were magical spells used to conjure weapons, shoot projectiles, and erect barriers, but there were also spells various characters cast that altered the very room or city they were fighting in.  These scenes were somewhere between the revolutionary Matrix series and Inception.  Each and every time they happened, I was very stimulated! Visually, that is.  It wasn’t over done so each time it happened, it felt special.  Dare I say we should have watched this in 3D!?

I believe the casting was rock-solid in the movie.  We got Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch as the titular character.  This is very much an origin story and Cumberbatch did a convincing job of having us buy into the metamorphous of Stephen Strange from an arrogant, hot shot surgeon with the ego the size of Tony Stark to a desperate broken man who’s become obsessed with fixing himself, onto a fearless hero who thinks about other lives before his own.  I know it’s the same ole cycle we often see, but it’s not something that every thespian can realistically portray.

Prior to the release of the film, there was some contention about the casting of The Ancient One.  From what I understand, the character is typically portrayed as an Asian man.  We were treated to quite the opposite in Tilda Swinton, a white woman.  I have strong feelings about that myself, but the job she did on-screen was great.  The Ancient One is known as a sorceress supreme and an unquestioned leader in the fight against the sinister Dormammu (a demon from another plane). Through the course of the film, we see some cracks and vulnerabilities in the character’s past and character and Swinton plays the authority figure with baggage perfectly.

The third really strong casting decision was to have Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years A Slave) play Karl Mordo.  Initially, the character that later becomes Baron Mordo is a devout follower of the Ancient One.  The character alludes to previous demons but seems positive and gracious for the opportunity to practice sorcery and perform whatever duties the Ancient One requests.  Without going into too much detail, Mordo becomes disillusioned by what he’s learned until he has to question all the previous teachings he had.  Ejiofor’s slow heel turn (wrestling lingo!) was played perfectly down to his facial expressions, tone, and demeanor each time he was on camera.  No wonder the actor has received so many accolades. 

While Kaecilius’ master plan throughout the movie was to bring the world to evil entity, Dormammu, the villain himself was a bit underwhelming.  It makes sense that Doctor Strange’s first on screen adversary isn’t some unstoppable cosmic force like Galactus or malevolent figure like Dr. Doom, but Kaecilius and Dormammu didn’t do it for me.  The film did an ample job of building up the threat of Dormammu throughout the film, but the way he’s ‘defeated’ is mehh.  The SFX, build, and drama leading up to the film’s climax as there but it didn’t go above and beyond in delivering in my opinion.

Perhaps there wasn’t that monster threat to make Doctor Strange seem vulnerable to losing, but this film went above and beyond in establishing Marvel’s next hero.  We have a hero who tackles different kinds of threats in the mystic realm and we’re even shown an infinity stone, which will certainly have a role in the next Avengers installment.  Based on the second post-credit scene, we have a new foe for Doctor Strange going forward too.  Marvel did its job, and they have the formula down at this point, especially with origin stories.  They’ve come a long way from Spiderman 2 and Eric Bana’s HULK (The recent Fantastic Four notwithstanding).  I suggest everyone go see this because it’s a good film and you’ll need to keep track as the MCU continues to work to towards The Avengers: Infinity War feature in a couple years.

3 1/2 Crabs

Looking for more from Bryson? Check out his latest: 

10 Year Reunion Time: A Story of Missteps, Memories, and Misadventures

By Bryson Beach

It’s six-something in the morning and there I lay knowing the ominous sound is coming any moment.  The sound of an alarm clock!  Another day of sluggishly climbing the mountain of stairs from my parents’ basement towards the shower was upon me.  Thirty minutes later, I’d be boarding a bus where I claimed one of the back seats.  Years of growing and waiting and yearning had paid off as I now had the seniority to get that coveted back seat. That sacred backseat where I could plug in my earphones, turn up my iPod and sleep until the big yellow vehicle pulled up to the place I put in several enjoyable hours a day, Shelby County High School.  That really did seem like yesterday, but in the blink of an eye, I’m lying in bed 10 years later knowing it’ll be time to get up for work before I feel fully revitalized from staying up watching TV too late the night before.  I’m not riding a bus anymore, but my iPod is still getting some run as the instrument of sound.  This time “Laffy Taffy” is bumping. A song from my senior year that’s less appropriate now than it was back then when I giggled at the secret meaning (don’t ask, look it up at your own risk).

I know I mainly do reviews on here and try to keep it light, but I’ll be damned if it hasn’t been 10 years since I graduated high school. Annnnnd, the big 10 year reunion is right around the corner.  I just felt the need to reflect and put it in a bit of personal perspective.  I don’t know how this will turn out as I write it, but I’ll try to keep it lighthearted and funny as that’s who I basically am.  But if this gets as sappy as The Notebook or A Walk To Remember, it’s okay! Drake totally made it cool for light skin brothers like me to be sensitive right? Maybe?

So, for those who weren’t exactly thriving in one of Mr. Pippen’s math classes, I graduated 10 years ago as in 2006.  I had long hair, a part time job flipping burgers, a beautiful junior-to-be girlfriend, and a partial scholarship to attend the University of Louisville.  I was anxious and eager to approach the next step of my life, but I couldn’t forget all the memories between the halls those four years.  Now, I could use some revisionist history and tell you how awesome everything was.  Or I could tell you how lame everything was.  I feel like socially and experience wise, I was somewhere in between. I played on the football team two years, did Track & Field (mainly and exclusively field) three years and was in several school plays and musicals.  Mrs. Skellie has such an eye for my diverse talents she cast me as a singing sassy black woman in a MacBeth parody. (All photo evidence has been deleted).  Of course, I’d be remised to not mention I peeked way too early in life when I was selected class president senior year. As Curtis Jackson famously asked: “Damn, homie. In High school you were the man, homie. What the (heck) happened to you!?”

Then there was the part of me who never went to a ‘party’. Sure, I went to nice adult-chaperoned functions, but I never snuck out or went to any get together with peers where *gasp* alcohol was involved.  Outside of going to sporting events, I was probably just hanging out in the DQ parking lot like a real champion.

Oh yeah, and I only had one girlfriend the entire time I went to high school.  I was a real ladies man, fo’ sho.  My mind was in such a different place back then I took French over the much more practical and useful Spanish class because I thought I could use it to impress the opposite sex and speak romantically.  No one wants to hear that! Not even the corniest of hopeless romantics!  Seriously, though I was pretty corny in some aspects.  It’s hilarious to look back on, if we’re being honest. Never the less, shout out to Vince for giving me all those rides over the my vehicle-less years and also shout out to Dave, Brady, Shawn, & co almost causing me to drown the day before graduation.  You know black people don’t swim!

Despite worrying I wasn’t super cool and popular in high school, I enjoyed the experience. No cell phone, no bills, and no responsibilities outside of maintaining my grades and cleaning my room.  Perhaps, a bit naïve, I had super high hopes for my myself the day I finished up my illustrious grade-school career.  This next section is where I examine a little perception vs reality.  If you had one of those fancy remotes Adam Sandler had in Click and hit rewind, this is where 18-year old Bryson Tyler Beach would see himself with a little interjection from today’s B-Squared.


18 Year Old Bryson:  “Well, first I would like to say a huge thank you to all the teachers who supported me during my time here, I feel that I’ve had more than enough ample preparation for—“
28 Year Old Bryson: “Bruh, just answer the question, quit trying to sound so proper and smart”
18: “Uh.. sorry, sorry, right! Well in 10 years I see myself as successful financially as well as respected in the community for being a family man”
28: There you go again, Brys.  Man, be specific, I need you to be specific so I have somethin’ to write about!
18: “I don’t know if I like where this going, but if you need me to elaborate I will.  I see myself graduating with my business degree from U of L. That will propel me to owning or running my own business of some kind. Preferably I’d make $100 K a year and be in the highest tax bracket and lend a decent amount to diabetic research.  Perhaps I’ll be a music mogul producing quality hip hop and r&b.  Also, I also have a solid plan for love.  I will graduate around 22 and my hope is to be married by 23, have my first child at 25, second at 27, and third and final at 30 while being married to a lovely woman.  I don’t need a drop dead unanimously sexy woman, but rather one that would be considered very attractive by everyone and have a drive that matches my own! Though, in the interest of full disclosure I’d like to make enough that she can stay at home and do whatever she’d like! By the time the 10 year reunion rolls around I would like to pull up in limo to reaffirm my prestige, but still be able to maintain my status as well-liked amongst my classmates.  I think it will be magical!”
28: You’re very optimistic.  I’m gonna have to let you down easy, kid.

I really was pretty optimistic and there’s nothing wrong with that.  By all means, everyone should shoot for the stars and if you miss, you can always land on the moon.  I took my shots, not all of them with the precision of Steph Curry, but I took mine.  Now, when  I wanted to be some big music mogul right?  It hasn’t exactly happened save for those times I thought I could rap.  I feel like everyone in my hometown takes a shot at dropping a fire mixtape at some point in time.  Enjoy my failures below (Sorry Ashley!)

 

Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! I do not operate in the highest tax bracket.  In fact, I’ve only had 3 jobs my own life.  There was that coming-of-age job flippin’ burgers and takin’ orders at Mickey D’s.  While a lot of people had fast food gigs or even laughed, I can take some pride in it.  I began when I was 16, worked on and off through school to make some extra spending money and wouldn’t you know it, I became a manager.  I’d still be hookin’y’all up on the low if I didn’t move onto the bank.  Come to think of it, I think I gave Edgar Sosa free food in the drive thru once.  Please don’t further sanction my Cards, NCAA!  Then there was a two year spell as a teller before transitioning to what I do now.  I don’t make that ridiculous sum of money I thought I’d need but all my bills are paid on time and I just purchased a new whip in February.  Shoutout to Carmen Elantra. So is it really so bad?

Now, you know that whole thing where 18 year old me wanted to get on this marriage by 23, first kid at 25 plan? That sounded so attainable and feasible back then.  Now all I can do is laugh at the notion. Let me paint a picture for you.  If I were in the UFC, this is how Bruce Buffer would introduce me: “The challenger, fighting out of the red corner.  Fighting out of the Biz Markie gym in Friendzone, USA.  Bryson “You’re like a brother to me” Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaachhh!”

So basically I am not yet married, nor do I have any children.  For the kids out there, I don’t have a bae, a boo, a ride or die, baby mama, etc.!  I wasted so much time worrying about how people would perceive me based on who I was dating and chose to ignore the warning signs from other perspective lovers because I get these crazy ideas in my heads that hints are there when they’re not.  Then at some point, I decided maybe I’m just too fricken nice.  Maybe I needed an edge to become a ‘bad boy’ so to speak.  So there, in the not so distant mid-twenties I couldn’t figure out to keep being nice ol’ Bryson or be a savage: a scumbag who tries to act like a heartless womanizer.  That definitely wasn’t me, but I think I’ve found a happy medium.  I try to look at it objectively, I’m only 28 and I’ve had my missteps and breakups, but that doesn’t mean the world is over and I should listen to my Heartbreak mix forever (seriously, I got a playlist for everything).  Sometimes I see peers and other people in my general age group boast that they’ve reached a certain age and am proud to be single and childless.  To each their own, but I get a little envious when I see old classmates posting way too many pictures of their kids, or dressing siblings up in similar stuff.  There’s that soft sentimental side of me again!  She’s out there and I’ll find her sooner than later and we’ll have beautiful babies with beautiful curly hair… like their daddy. 

The truth is I went to college to pursue my degree in Economics. I felt that would enable me to do anything in the world of business and that still holds true today.  College represented a lot of new things for me. There was the opportunity to make new friends, the chance to really further my education, and freedom.  Mom and pop weren’t there to look over my shoulder and spurn me on through love or sheer wickedness.  At the end of the day, I didn’t live up to their expectations. And I sure as hell fell short of my own.  I could point fingers everywhere else, and I was likely too quick to do that years ago, but it falls all on me for goofing around, staying up late, and constantly heading to the SAC (Student Activity Center) to stuff my face with Wendy’s instead of studying. I ain’t lying, that “Freshman 15” was like a “Freshman 150” for me, and I’ve never been a little dude.  That burden of letting my parents down and failing to set the right path for my little brother to follow still weighs on me.  I feel like the mighty Titan Atlas sometimes, but instead of hoisting up the world, I was struggling to hoist up expectations I should have utterly destroyed.  But, the college years were fun even if I learned a bit more about myself out the classroom.

I did learn some sick dance moves at U of L though:

I understand I’ve painted the picture of failure here.  I certainly didn’t fulfill the vision my parents had or set that tremendous precedent for my little brother to follow.  This will sound cliché, but the story is still being written.  Orange is the New Black.  Ben Simmons is the next Lebron. And given I’m 28, and 28 is basically 30, then 30 is the new 20! Solid logic there truly.  What I’m trying to convey is that I didn’t get that great burst from the starting line, but there’s still time to accomplish my goal, take ahold of my dreams, and try to take over the world like Pinky & The Brain.  There was a while there where I fell into complete complacency with life, and while one cannot truly change their mindset overnight, I’m beginning to see the light once more.  It’s a process, but I firmly believe I got this as long as I stay disciplined and honest with myself.

So here I am 10 years later, Bryson Beach, the medical bill collector, giddy and anxious about the chance to mix it up with some of the people I was proud to roam the halls with back in the day.  I keep in touch with a lot of my peers and I’ve mentioned several in this post and previous Crabicurious movie reviews (nothing wrong with a shameless plug) like Emanuel, Pat, Brady, Dave, Ashley, Drew and others.  I had no manual to plan this 10 year reunion coming up, but I’m truly thankful for the likes of Maggie, Emily, and Candace for doing much of the heavy lifting as we got this event figured out.  I loved my time in high school, I loved my time in Shelbyville, and I have a lot of love for all my classmates.  So even if it’s only one more night together without cliques and labels, let’s make the most of it and continue to write all our stories.  Peace out!

Not An Easy Task: Releasing an Album in 2016

By Zack Hubbard

As you might have noticed, it's officially the "Event Age" of album releases in the music business. Creating an appropriate amount of buzz for a project in our current landscape is quite the uphill battle. And then releasing said content out into our ruthless culture in a satisfying manner can seem damn near impossible. Record labels and their artists are constantly throwing more ideas at the wall to see what sticks. Honestly, not much of it does. From the buffoonish to the brilliant, I'll break down some of the ways music has been dished out to our hungry ears in 2016. So far. 

Releasing an Album on Your Deathbed

David Bowie - Blackstar

Certainly not the most advisable way to release your next project to the world, but there's something so "Bowie" about this. Being a very private person outside of his career, very few people knew that he was so close to death, let alone that his cancer had even returned at all. So to surprise his fans with an album on his 69th birthday acting as a perfect parting gift to the world, is so on brand and a feat only the Starman himself could expertly pull off. Doesn't hurt that it's pretty damn good too. 

Releasing in the Yeezy Way

Kanye West - The Life of Pablo

The hype for what was first titled So Help Me God, then SWISH, then Waves, then finally TLOP, which stands for The Life of Pablo, began in earnest when Yeezy started dropping tracks in late 2014 / early 2015. Both of which, "All Day" and "Only One," unsurprisingly failed to make the final cut for TLOP. After a huge Madison Square Garden listening party and a raucous SNL performance, we all knew that it was the blessed Yeezy season. Eventually Kanye's seventh album would see the light of the day, first to the few Tidal subscribers in existence then to everyone else, in February of this year. I'm obviously leaving a ton out of this overview (see: blaming an album delay on Chance the Rapper), but the thing I want to touch on is the absence of a physical release. You know, those ancient records and compact discs we used to put in to cars and Walkmans. Some of us still do (shouts to Ben Eiden). Now I still love buying a record and hearing an album on vinyl, but I would certainly consider myself to be a rabid streamer. So it's not the lack of holding a Kanye album in my hands that's got me buggin'. See, when an artist has the type of perfectionist reputation that Mr. West seems to have, it can make things quite troublesome to have the ability to reopen the studio and tinker with seemingly finished tracks. Oh and tinker he did. Some songs needed work ("Wolves"), but others didn't ("Feedback"). I cannot state just how the fluidity of this album is downright annoying to me. Ultimately, an artist of this caliber needs a firm finished product so he/she can move on to whatever fashion project they've got lined up next. Here's to hoping Turbo Grafx 16, or whatever Ye's eighth album will be called, can be enjoyed in my record player. 

Releasing Digitally Seconds After Your HBO Musical Special Airs

Beyoncé - Lemonade

Let's face it: no one could take over the entire pop culture conversation like Queen Bey did when her mysterious music video special aired on HBO, quickly followed by a full album drop before you could even catch your breath. Or find out who the hell Becky with the good hair is. Lemonade perfectly encapsulates the "Event Age" for an album release. And the only way to be a full part of the conversation is to buy it. Watch the throne. The Queen has spoken. Bow down. 

Releasing after a Thorough Scrub

Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool

To say that Radiohead follow their own beat might be the understatement of the century. The ever mysterious, English rock/experimental band are no strangers to the unconventional album release. They've done surprise releases before. They've even let listeners decide for themselves what they should pay for a new Radiohead album. So what do they do to build anticipation for their 2016 release? They decided to scrub their social media pages, of course! Did it work? Shit yea, it did. All the Radiohead-heads(?) collectively lost their minds at the potential for new music from Thom Yorke and Company. After a few agonizingly brief teases, we were finally graced with videos and single releases for "Burn the Witch" and "Daydreaming." Included with these singles was also a press release announcing their next full album, A Moon Shaped Pool, would be available in two days. It's all about capturing the right moment at the right time, and taking over the conversation. Or you can just be Radiohead and do whatever you want. That seems to work as well. 

Releasing After a beats1 Listening Party

Drake - Views

Not long after Yeezy hosted a party at MSG and Queen Bey served us an icy beverage via HBO, Drake decided to fire up the internet meme machine and hang out on top of Toronto's CN Tower just before the release of Views. Not to be one-upped, Drizzy changed his album title at the last minute and held a listening party on Apple's Beats 1 radio station. I mean, I guess internet radio is as cool as MSG and HBO. Wait, no it's not. It also doesn't help that the album has taken the better part of two years to actually see the light of day, and when we finally hear it, it's fairly underwhelming compared to what Drake did last year. I'll go ahead and file this under "slight misstep" in what I'm sure will be an illustrious career of proper album releases. At least we'll get plenty of memes. 

Releasing on Apple Music; Calling it a Mixtape

Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book

Surprise releasing a mixtape that actually may be the best album of the year is a brilliant move for Chance the Rapper. After quietly becoming everyone's favorite rapper of the past year, and shining bright in The Life of Pablo opener, "Ultralight Beam," Chance was poised to do something great. And did he ever. Arriving on Apple Music in May, Coloring Book is joyful noise perfectly mixing hip hop and gospel into a warm collection of tracks. I can't quite figure out what the difference is between an album and a mixtape, especially in this instance. He may consider it a mixtape seeing as how it hasn't been officially released for purchase and is available for streaming. It may not matter, because according to Chance, "I don't make songs for free, I make 'em for freedom." Fine with me, just keep making 'em. 

 

For More from The Louisville Beat, check out the following: 

Matty Ice on the NBA Finals

By Matthew Dennis

Andre Iguodala is running down the court looking for an easy fast break layup that could swing the winner take all game 7 of the NBA Finals decidedly in favor of the Warriors. He sees the lane, takes in the ball and lays it up. Suddenly, LeBron James completes his full court sprint and flies in from behind to pin the ball against the backboard. It was one of the greatest defensive plays I’ve ever seen and I’m sure it’s the play that will define this past Finals series. I mean, does Iggy just retire now after getting stuffed like that? This is one of the many pressing questions that are left after a grueling NBA Finals that saw LeBron guide the Cavs back from a 3-1 deficit.

One of the most open ended and ambiguous questions is what does this mean for LeBron’s legacy?  Many of my fellow prestige NBA writers point to him yet again carrying a team to victory and try to justify his place among the greats with accolades like MVPs and stats. Obviously, LeBron is one of the 5-6 greatest players of all time, yet there’s so much criticism of him and still so much doubt. People want him to fail. I was one of those people, however, there’s a time in everyone’s life when they see Skip Bayless tweet something they agree with; and that’s when you know it’s time to change. After seeing Skip desperately try to take as much credit away from LeBron as possible by arguing against him being Finals MVP I found I can no longer hate on LeBron. This guy is an all-time great, and that brings me to why I think game 7 was his greatest game ever. His final line: 27 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 3 savage chase down blocks, and 2 steals. That’s an incredible stat line, but compared to some of his other games it’s somewhat pedestrian. Last year he was dropping 40+ point triple doubles and doing it all to carry his team. The aptly titled “LeBron game” where he dropped 48 points including 25 straight to beat the Pistons in 2007 is certainly more gaudy. Though, Game 7 of the 2016 Finals saw LeBron win on his terms.

Throughout his entire career he’s been criticized as being passive in clutch moments and not “taking it the rim” on every play. I could build a photo album of hackneyed Skip Bayless tweets about “timid” LeBron passing off to teammates for the final shot and complaining about the lack of a “clutch gene.” LeBron has been pressured to be The Guy since his freshman year of high school. The media attention and speculation about LeBron’s future in the NBA has been present since he was 16. I don’t think LeBron wants to carry a team and force a bunch of trash players to win like NBA purists want him to. It’s why he went to, and won, in Miami. He didn’t carry those Miami teams, he led them. He was the best player (sorry D Wade you’re still my favorite though) and had Pat Riley to guide them to championships. In Game 7 LeBron got to go out and set up his teammates, he was able to rely on a deadly isolation scorer in Kyrie and some quality role players like offensive rebounding machine Tristan Thompson and, as much as it pains me to admit, JR Smith. The whole discourse on Kevin Love’s role receded into the background as he became a gritty role player and played some of the best defense of his career while pulling down 14 huge rebounds. This allowed LeBron to take what the defense gave him and play his way, to make the right play every time. The debate shouldn’t be whether or not LeBron is able make a fadeaway game clinching 3 like Kyrie did, because he probably can’t. But Kyrie can. LeBron trusted his teammate to win and he came through. That’s the story of the series. LeBron isn’t psychotically competitive like Jordan was, he’s just not that guy. However, if game 7 is any indication then maybe LeBron’s more passive game is just as good. If you disagree, then you can argue with the ring. 

What's Bryson Watching: TMNT 2 Review

By Bryson Beach

I’d be remised if I didn’t first speak about the world’s tragic lost.  Transcendent athlete and Louisville’s own Muhammad Ali passed early Saturday morning.  While his boxing career was over by the time I was born in ’88, his influence has never eluded me.  Growing up, my father was a huge Ali fan, so by the time I was of age and noticed his pictures, shirts, calendars of the champ, I couldn’t help but ask questions and dig up all the information I could on the man affectionately known as “The Louisville Lip”. 

Ali’s athletic peak was at a vastly different time.  America still has racial & social tensions as you can see anytime you log into Facebook or tune into the news, but we’ve still come a long way from the days of Muhammad Ali.  Here was an Olympic Gold Medalist and American Hero who was still treated as a second class citizen because of the color of his skin and religious affiliation.  I’m not saying the man was a saint, but he was headstrong in beliefs and quest for social change, even risking all the glory and fame of his boxing career to do so.  I’m not a believer that today’s pro athlete has to be a role model or take a stance on social issues, which makes me appreciate what The G.O.A.T. did in and outside the ring.  I could go on forever about the man, but I leave you with an accompanying video clip of his most epic fight.  Rest in Power, Champ.

When I was but a mere child I was obsessed with many things: Dinosaurs, Pogs, Sonic The Hedgehog (I had the bedset!), and Ninja Turtles.  I loved the show and I had so many different turtle action figures it was truly ridiculous and a true financial burden on my parentals.  I was so excited that my mom was taking me to pick a new turtle toy when I was a kid, that I slammed my pinky in the door of our Suzuki Swift.  That’s dedication, folks.  The video games were pretty gnarly too.

The initial trilogy of live action movies debut in my earliest years and I had fond memories of the films.  Awesome action, Kevin Nash, time travel, and ninja raps were all involved!  I’ve had the opportunity to watch the second two recently and they weren’t as good as I remembered when I was a youngster, but I still love them.  When the last TMNT movie came out in 2014, I was skeptical.. CGI, Michael Bay, Megan Fox.  That didn’t exactly sound like a recipe for success.  To my surprise, it was pretty solid.  It wasn’t magnificent but it was an exciting reboot for the next generation of fans.

So, per usual, I returned to the great town of Shelbyville, met up with 4 percenter, Morgan, and went to the movie.  I get a complete F as a movie goer this time round as I wore a USMNT jersey (spoiler: We’ll never be great at soccer), and didn’t even get an Icee!  I’m basically a fraud.

(SPOILER ALERT: Crucial movie details ahead!)

This movie was definitely geared towards childhood and I had to continue to remind myself about that when watching.  There were many elements of the story that just moved along quickly for the sake of moving on quickly.  I understand that, but they could have used a bit of a slower burn with the maturation and relationships amongst the villains and minute-long conversations to move along a part of the plot.

That being said, some of the things that were likely geared at younger audiences were very entertaining.   The most entertaining of the characters in the film, were two of the newest: Bepop & Rocksteady.  Shout out to my dude Sheamus of WWE fame in his role as Rocksteady, by the way.  The two were the quintessential brawns-over-brains henchman.  While offering a new threat to our heroes, they were just as valuable in comic belief, even if their antics were mostly cartoony and sophomoric.  It’s what you expected going back to the initial TMNT animated series, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Sticking with the vein of zany cartoony portrayals, I have to say I loved Tyler Perry’s portrayal of Dr. Baxter Stockman.  It’s just about impossible for me to shake the idea of Madea whenever I hear Tyler Perry, but I forgot about for 100 minutes (film’s running time).  This wasn’t an Academy Award caliber performances but little nuances like his over-the-top geeky mannerism and snorting laugh were awesome.

Stephen Amell was cast as Casey Jones in this film.  I don’t watch Arrow, but I’ve always heard good things.  I didn’t like Casey Jones too much in this film.  The spin of him being a corrections officer with dreams of becoming detective was a nice and different touch, but I still would have preferred the classic, darker, vigilante like Casey.  This one was just too cheesy (and I’m not talking about Mikey’s pizza).  It was a disappointment in a film with excellent voice acting for all four turtles and solid acting performances from Megan Fox.

The preview of the film showed all you would expect in a Michael Bay produced film: action & explosions.  The movie had plenty of explosions from the first scene on the highway during Shredder’s escape to the final scene to save New York.  Both of these scenes would have felt much more special if they didn’t seem like I’d seen them in Bad Boys II and Transformers 4 respectively.  C’mon, Mr. Bay, I’m sure you can come up with other ways for cars to explode or spaceships to crumble.  While these annoyed me to no end, other action scenes like the airplane-crash-river battle in between the turtle teens and Bebop & Rocksteady were exhilarating and a visual treat. 

The previews did indeed give us a glimpse into the over the top action, but they also kept the wraps of the movie’s true villain: Krang.  For those of you who remember the comics or cartoon, he’s the grotesque looking brain that takes shelter inside of a giant android.  The CGI for the little pink chewed up gum looking bundle of evilness could haunt the nightmares of a young fan, which is good.  His premise to take over and demise was predictable and basic, but the fact it was under wraps was a job well done.

The CGI looked great, the turtles’ roles and personalities were all diverse and unique and we get the age-old struggle of the brothers’ finding themselves as a team when they all have different ideologies on how to handle their new-found responsibilities.  The film had comically funny characters and lackluster performances and pacing, but it’s honestly not bad for a family outing or old-school fans yearning for one more dose of turtle power.  Cowabunga , dudes!

2 ½ out 4 Crabs.

 

More From The Louisville Beat:

What's Bryson Watching: X-Men: Apocalypse

Memorial Day weekend:  A time to reflect and express gratitude for all the fearless men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our nation.  As a military brat of a man who served 20 years to his country, I try to never lose sight of the work our troops do, whether I agree with the reasons they are deployed or not.  Rest in Power to the fallen and thank you.

That being said, the more trivial things to look forwards to on the 3-day weekend are an extra day off work, cookouts, thousands of people trying to cram into Captain’s Quarters in The Ville, and typically a summer blockbuster opening in theatres.  This year we were #blessed with Alice Through The Looking Glass!  What bombed worse? Alice or the Huntsman?  I even enjoyed the first Huntsman movie too, but don’t tell anyone. 

BACK ON TOPIC, Brys!  Yes, this memorial we were given the next installment in the x-men series, X-Men: Apocalypse.  X-Men: First Class resuscitated the series after lackluster X-3 and X-Men Origins: Wolverine (serious, remember what they did to Deadpool ?L L L ).  I’ve mentioned this before on a previous review, but I absolutely adore Days of Future Past.  So given the critical and commercial success of the past two films, it was damned near impossible for me to temper expectations for this film.  It’s featuring Apocalypse, the first mutant, the all-powerful, the menace! … Then the reviews hit.  It was like Batman v Superman all over again.  How could a movie with amazing thespians like J-Law, Michael Fassbender, and James McAvoy be bad?  Are critics revolting against superheroes? Did the movie try to do too much?  These were all questions I had to find out myself.

So, on Memorial Day I met up with trivia teammate,  future film director, and Hugh Jackman enthusiast Morgan, grabbed an ICEEas cold as Leslie Rixman’s heart and got to the screen 7!

(Beware of the spoiler minefield ahead!)

This film reintroduced a lot of characters, which was no small task.  Following the events of Days of Future Past, it should be noted that things in the x-men universe have been altered.  Director Bryan Singer gives us insight here <hyper link?> http://collider.com/x-men-apocalypse-new-timeline-explained-bryan-singer/ <Thanks Rob> .  This raises some questions and mild confusion and it probably would have been beneficial to mention ripple effects in the last movie or in this one somehow.  Never the less, we meet youthful versions of Scott Summers (Cyclops), Jean Grey, Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler), Ororo Munroe (Storm), Warren Worthington III (Archangel), and Jubilation Lee (Jubilee).  We also meet for the first time, Psylocke and Apocalypse (obviously).  With so many new characters, one could surmise there wasn’t a lot of time to develop each, but for the most part the film did its job in establishing our new mutants for future films to come.

The film did drop the ball with Jubilee, in my opinion.  We get to see her have a prominent role in the halls of Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters and early on in the movie, it appears as if she’s going to have a respectable role.  Nope.  She’s not part of the x-men, we don’t get to see her fireworks show, nor do we hear mention of her checkered Olympic past.  She’s still around, so perhaps she’ll garner a bigger role in the future.  Psylocke and Archangel suffer similar fates, but they were glorified henchman and expendable..

On a personal level, I’ve loved to dislike the character of Cyclops.  He’s a dick and Wolverine was always a welcomed foil to him since I first discovered x-men through the 90’s cartoon.  I did like the introduction of him as a teen struggling with the emergence of laser sight and acceptance, to a young man set on proving he was worth it and making a fallen brother proud.  As soon as we meet Jean, we’re teased about the unstoppable potential that the phoenix force has granted her.  Sophie Turner (who’s apparently on GoT according to my roommate) did an excellent job.  She plays Jean perfectly as we see her come along more throughout the movie from weird outcast to assured x-men member.  The film also didn’t rush the obvious future romance between Jean and Scott.  Make ‘em wait on it!

The script worked to build up Scott’s role and emotional value to the viewers by killing off his brother, Havok.  With so many characters running around the halls and a disenfranchised villain from an ancient time, someone had to perish right?  I’m not saying, Havok wasn’t the right choice, but I didn’t feel outraged or sad.  Alex Summers (Havok) had a prominent role in First Class, but he was barely in Days of Future Past and is just casually inserted back in a decent role as a plot device for his little brother.  Maybe I’m just coldblooded *Rick James voice*.

If you agreed about my cold heart at the end of the last paragraph, you are mistaken! I do have a heart and more emotions than a Drake song! (Maybe not that much).  In contrast to my shrug and frown at the death of Alex’s demise, was the emotional sequence of events that lead to the revival of Magneto.  X-Men: Apocalypse is set 10 years after the previous film and Erik Lehnsherr has found a new life as an unassuming factory worker in Poland.  Things get dicey after using his powers to save a co-worker and before he knows it his new family (wife and daughter) are surrounded by the authorities.  After an unfortunate arrow goes awry and destroys his wife, Erik goes on a quest for revenge.  While we only meet the new family for a brief time, Fassbender’s expressions and anguish really grabbed at my emotions.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to lend an ear to the man who once again tried to do right.  Fassbender is awesome, this movie solidifies it.  I just worry if they may do the Magneto is evil, changes, then goes evil again cycle one too many times in future films.

Not to the level of Magneto, but I found Oscar Isaac’s portrayal of Apocalypse to be more than solid.  Ivan Ooze jokes aside, the character looked fine.  I’ve heard friends condemn the director for not using CGI to do for En Saban Nur what the Avengers did for Thanos.  I like Apocalypse using a human base, there’s enough CGI and effects going on with the wide range of mutant abilities our heroes and foes have (which were all fine. I didn’t notice, which means they weren’t bad!).  Back to Poe Dameron’s portrayal of the villain!  When the character first re-awakens in 80’s Cairo, the facial expressions and eye movements he makes really drive home that he is a being completely disillusioned by what the world has become in his absence.  While it’s clear, his intentions are to bring force destruction to recreate a new world in his vision, Isaac does a fantastic side of showing the compassionate side of Apocalypse, who truly has some interest in the well-being of other mutants rising above the rules and standards of the new world.

Apocalypse was menacing and the scene in which he brings poor Magneto back to Auschwitz was a wonderful testament to his goal of arming his horsemen.  While Magneto ultimately stole the scene, the spurring of the first mutant was a perfect auxiliary piece to it.  This was an awesome scene, but my favorite had to be when our heroes are taken to the infamous Weapon-X facility.  There’s simply one reason why: Wolverine.  While Morgan was busy checking out Hugh Jackman, I came to appreciate the homage to Logan’s time as “Weapon X” in the comics.  Previous X-Men films have been dominated by Wolverine’s character and mostly been a showcase for him, even as he was granted his own series of spinoffs.  This was violent, action packed, and the perfect amount of screen time for old man Logan and the reviled William Stryker.  It added to the movie in demonstrating the growing feats of bravery from Nightcrawler, Jean, and Scott while giving the viewers a treat.

Now if you’re even low-key familiar with the Apocalypse character, you know of his four horsemen and one other… sinister partner.  This man is a scientist who has a slight obsession with Scott Summers’ bloodline and has been known to do some DNA splicing and experimentation to enhance, augment, and create a superior mutant.  In the film, Apocalypse is able to enhance and awaken dormant x-gene traits in mutants.  In several x-men media, this is done by one Nathaniel Essex aka Mr. Sinister.  I had questions about how the film would be without Mr. Sinister listed on the cast.  I was disappointed about his omission, until the post credit scene.  In the wake of the slaughter left by Wolverine in the Weapon X facility, we simply see a briefcase with the Essex name collecting DNA.  According to the director, this will have obvious ramifications on the next X-Men film, as well as Wolverine 3 and Gambit (please come out, he’s my favorite).  In such a short scene it restored my concerns and has me giddy for the future projects.

This film wasn’t perfect, but if it was a person, it wouldn’t be in dire need of acne cream to cover pimples.  It could use a little bit of makeup here or there, but this is still an attractive attraction.  There were a lot of characters and relationships to further develop (I didn’t even mention the Quicksilver/Magneto, Xavier/Moira relationships), but the ones that needed to be hit were checked.  There was action, there was suspense, and there was a definitive ending and a delicious post-credit scene.  Honestly, no clue what the critics were thinking.  Go see it!

3 ½ out of 4 Crabs!

 

For more from The Louisville Beat, check out:

What Should Dad be Watching: Vol 1

Head writer of "The Louisville Beat," Bryson Life on a Beach was kind enough to allow me onto his TV/movie corner for a post, so thank you! (Bryson, these aren't based on comic books so you've probably never heard of them).

A few days after a robust open heart surgery, The owner of TRs Packers aka The Realest Rixman aka Terry Goes Favre aka Dad is already on his way home! Crabicurious decided not to report live from the hospital for various reasons, but figured we'd do him a favor and share a few TV shows and movies to help pass the time during his recovery! 

The rule is that they have to be available to stream on a Chromecast. Seeing as like 50 people are sharing our Netflix and HBO passwords (thus I can never watch Game of Thrones on Sundays...), I guess you can also enjoy this Crabicurious Original Watchlist.

These are tailored to Dad. So no magic, no main characters dying in the opening scenes, and nothing to do with The Matrix! You might start with Cosmos, as the others have some heart pounding action so maybe give those a few weeks! 

The People vs. OJ Simpson

  • App: FX Now 
  • Synopsis: Ross from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. as Robert Kardashian and Cuba Gooding Jr. star in an 8 part mini series about the OJ trial. Really well done and unbelievable to think that all that actually happened. 
  • IMDB Rating: 8.6/10
  • Crabicurious Ratimg: 4.5 crabs

Cosmos

  • App: Netflix
  • Synopsis: I learned more from his 1 season ~13 hour documentary series than I did in High School! Neil Degrasse Tyson talks about space, the beginning of time, and the universe. And Black Holes!
  • IMDb Rating: 9.4/10
  • Crabicurious Rating: 5 crabs

Sherlock

  • App: Netflix
  • Synopsis: Benedict Cumberbatch and The Hobbit star in an incredible modern take on the classic Sherlock Holmes story. Each season is 3 movie length episodes. Innovative and highly energetic, this BBC original series will blow your mind with its humor, heart, and plot twists! 
  • IMDb Rating: 9.2/10
  • Crabicurious Rating: 4.7 crabs

True Detective (Season 1 Only)

  • App: HBO Go 
  • Synopsis: In one of the best "flashback narratives" of all time, we follow Louisiana Homicide Detectives Rust Cole (played by  Matthew McConaughey at the height of his McConaissance) and Marty Hart (Woody Harrelson) as they search for a crazy serial killer. Episode 4 includes one of the greatest TV scenes ever, a 6 minute, one-take, no cut, shootout! Time is a Flat Circle.
  • IMDb Rating: 9.1/10
  • Crabicurious Rating: 4.8 crabs

Narcos

  • App: Netflix
  • Synopsis: A chronicled look at the criminal exploits of Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar... this one probably flew under your radar, but its super fast paced, its narrated, and really easy to binge! 
  • IMDb Rating: 9.0/10
  • Crabicurious Rating: 4.2 crabs 

And a few movie options: 

  • Jurassic World (HBO Go) 
  • Mad Max Fury Road (HBO Go) 
  • Face Off (HBO Go) 

 

 

Looking for more? Be sure to check out Bryson's review of Uncharted 4

And over on the Crabicurious blog: 

What's Bryson Playing: Uncharted 4

If you haven’t figured it out by now from my constant reviews of superhero movies, I’m a bit of a nerd.  This expands beyond caped crusaders and the daydream of jumping off a building, superhero landing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwUilIo036g), and saving the curvaceous damsel in distress.  As far as I can cognitively remember, I’ve loved video games.  I used to play the golden Zelda cartridge on the NES, take control of a speedy blue hedgehog on the Genesis, catch all da Pokémon on my Gameboy, overcome Sephiroth on PSOne, and yeah.. You get the picture.  By the time my little brother was of age, I had someone to utterly dominate my gamer prowess over!  Then he grew up and started beating me, but I’m convinced he cheats.  With today’s technology, teaming up with the squad online or frustratingly cursing at inanimate objects as Baltimore Bob doesn’t get called for fouls on FIFA, there are plenty of games out there that captivate me even more with old school single player modes.

A series I was introduced to some years ago by one of my good friends, was PlayStation-exclusive Uncharted.  In the vain of Lara Croft, the series chronicles the adventures of Nathan Drake, a treasure hunter full of the savvy of Indiana Jones and humorous charm of Johnny Knoxville.  The games incorporate a heavy amount of parkour-like platforming as well challenging firefights, puzzles, and truly interesting storylines. 

So the game was released this past Tuesday (May 10th, 2016), and unfortunately I didn’t get to play it that much during the week.  But mark my words, when I set my mind to do something, I can do anything (kind of)!  I really started to grind through the story mode Friday after work and with stoppages to sleep, eat, hang out with some company Saturday, and watch soccer (Come On You Gunners!), I found myself finishing the story Sunday afternoon on the normal difficulty.  You can say I didn’t take advantage of the weekend, but I say I stand before you accomplished!

(Some spoilers ahead so tread carefully!)

What can’t I say about how awesome this game is?  The first thing that jumps out at the perspective player is how damn beautiful the game is.  This becomes very apparent when Nate is transferred through a Panamanian prison to a heavily forested area where he’s urged to find a missing piece of treasure.  The forest is gorgeous, but the developers also present equally beautiful settings in Scotland and Madagascar (two of the main locations for action).  The settings are but a backdrop to the main characters, of course.  The expressions are perfect when they speak and interact with one another.  You could mute the TV and be able to clearly understand what feeling the character is conveying in their expression.  The ability to do so is nothing new, but few games have really been able to pull this off as seamlessly as this installment of Uncharted.

As aforementioned, the game play consists of a lot of parkour.  It’s very common for our beloved titular character to scale dilapidated buildings, clock towers, or most common: mountains.  This is a heavy party of the game and thanks to different sequences, settings, and built in cinematics, it never really gets old.  Perhaps it’s been too long since I played the previous three installments, but the firefights got a lot more difficult.  Let me first be honest in saying that ‘shooters’ are the type of games where I’m the most pathetic.  I don’t do much Call of Duty, I play Halo for the story mode, and my gun slinging on The Division and Borderlands gave me false hope in my abilities.  My lackluster shooting aside (which ended up at 32% when I finished the game), the gunfire/combat sequences were a lot harder this time round.  One was urged to use stealthier strategies as improved AI prompted targets to rush, flank, and act a cohesive unit.  In games past, I can remember just staying in cover and slowly picking off my adversaries.  This is by no means a knock; I liked it when I was debating trading the game in out of poor bitterness.  The only thing I did not like was the inability to stay in cover and move around the corner of cover whether it be a crate or door frame.  It’s a minor qualm, however.

If the gameplay or beauty of the game doesn’t enthrall you, I promise the story will.  It would help to play the previous installments prior to jumping into this game, but you wouldn’t be lost without it.  Max Payne, DOOM, and Mario Bros all had embarrassing motion picture adaptations of them created.  This game is like a movie in itself.  You’ll feel emotional attached to the characters who have very human qualities.  Nathan’s character design now has touches of grey as the years of perilous treasure hunting and adventures are starting to show.  From the onset, we’re introduced to his internal struggle to lead mundane married life while the temptation to do what he loves still lingers.  We’re introduced to a brother whose own misfortunates prompt Nathan Drake into a serious of decisions that could jeopardize his friendships, marriage, and life.  It’s really riveting stuff, but do not fret! The classic one liners and subtle humor are sprinkled throughout.  Maybe a movie will never be made for the series, but this game sure felt like one.  One that would get a Gone With The Wind-esque rating from Ebert!  (Maybe not that far, but who isn’t prone to hyperbole)

I haven’t gotten a chance to explore the multiplayer mode at the time of penning this, and I don’t need to.  If anything, it’s just an extra cherry on top of a rich, exquisite cake of a game.  It’s not my favorite game of all time as the sentimental value of Brys Shepard’s final voyage in Mass Effect 3 will be hard to top, but I’d be foolish to not acknowledge it as one of the best I’ve played.  I hope there’s a lot of ton of juicy DLC to follow.  Until then, go get this game. And if you haven’t played the prior installments, find a way to get your hands on those too. Perfection.

4 out 4 crabs!

For more from The Louisville Beat:

What's Bryson Watching: Captain America: Civil War

Call me less of a Kentuckian, but despite The Kentucky Derby being this past weekend it was not number one on my list.  Derby was actually third!  The second biggest event of this weekend was the birthday of my man One L.  You can read all about how he inspired Baltimore Bob to be a successful blog lord here:  (The kids haven’t overused this expression yet, have they?) But alas, Sunday came with an Arsenal victory and hours of anticipation before I finally made it to the good ol’ Shelbyville Great Escape 8 to watch AVENGERS 3! … I mean Captain America: Civil War.

Now when the title of “Civil War”was announced, it did not illicit thoughts of The Gettysburg Address, Django being unchained, nor Jefferson Davis. It did make me very giddy when I thought about the epic Marvel storyline that was so divisive, virtually every hero had to pick Tony Stark’s pro-registration camp or Steve Roger’s anti-registration side.  This movie’s plot doesn’t quite follow the comics, but there’s several elements incorporated.  We’ve had physical clashes between various members of the Avengers in prior films, but this movie brought forth a whole new world of possibilities.  The trailers all did a magnificent job of teasing the audience for an epic showdown.

I met my partner in crime, Morgan, in the theatre who barely able to stop salivating over Chris Evans & Sebastian Stan to enjoy the movie!  I would never look at Scarlett Johansson in that sleek, form fitting, Black Window outfit in such a shallow matter.  One icee (LESLIIIIIIIIIIE!!!) and eight previews later, we were locked and loaded for an awesome cinematic experience.

 

(Spoiler Alert:  If you don’t want the movie ruined, please turn away.  Please, resume the review when you do view it from a different computer/mobile device so I can get more unique views and use the traffic as leverage for a raise from Baltimore Bob.  I gotta eat)

The movie came with a lot of hype following the successes of The Avengers franchise and the critically acclaimed Captain America movies, and rightfully so.  The movie enlisted an ensemble that truly did make it feel more like an Avengers movie.  We got all the titular heroes from their own stories plus the introduction of T’Challa of Wakanda (Black Panther), and back for the third time… The AMAZING SPIDERMAN!  While having so many characters could lead to a fire dumpster or disaster, the directors were able to spend the primary focus on a handful of characters while reigning in the others with specific roles. 

However, with so many characters flying about, I did have a couple minor issues.  I joke about this movie actually being Avengers 3, but if you didn’t know better, you’d get the sense this may have been Iron Man 4. Now, if you love Tony Stark or Robert Downey Jr, this is probably a plus.  It goes without saying that Robert Downey Jr nails down the role, when he steps away from the Marvel Franchise; they may as well retire Iron Man in live-action adaptations.  My issue with The Man of Steel is in the character itself, but that’s a personal bias.  Throughout the film, I feel like Iron Man is used beyond the quasi-antagonist of the plot, but arguably the main character.  We have Captain America’s quest to rekindle his relationship with the Winter Soldier and clear his name, but Tony’s perpetual fight with ego and doing what he considers right is prevalent the moment he realizes the collateral damage he really causes.

When it was finally revealed that our newest incarnation of Spiderman (Tom Holland) would be making his ‘debut’ in the third installment of Captain America, there were parades in the streets, fireworks set off, and frowns turned upside down worldwide! This ultimately boiled down to the greatest 20 minute promo of all time! (Yes, that was a backhanded compliment).  For the brief performance, I thought young Mr. Holland nailed it.  He had the classic Spidey annoying comic relief during the most serious of moments during the superb airport showdown and when we are introduced to him as plain ol ’Peter Parker, he seems to capture the best qualities of Toby and Andrew before him.  Seeing Spiderman mingling with so many other marvel superheroes was exciting, but it felt like luxury.  We didn’t explore much of his characterization, but if someone’s not familiar with his story by now, I guess they’ve been under a rock for

A newcomer who had a prominent role was the Black Panther.  I’m haven’t the slightest inkling what they’ll do with his own motion picture in the coming years, but Civil War did a wonderful job of establishing the new hero and giving him a call to action.  I suppose, the Black Panther film could introduce the audience to the fictional vibranium-rich Wakanda and elaborate on the history of the Black Panther mantle.  This may sound like wrestling booking, but Black Panther got over quickly through strong performances in fight scenes, solid acting, and an integral role to the plot through the conclusion.  I won’t lie, I’m a huge fanboy and I can’t describe in word how f*(*#$$ excited I am for more T’Challa!

It almost goes without saying with these Marvel films (Avengers, Thor, Iron Man, Captain America), but the acting is always on point.  The Vision became more vulnerable and human throughout his scenes with Scarlet Witch, I could really get behind Iron Man and BP’s quests for vengeance, and per usual Chris Evans was the quintessential Boy Scout as Captain America.  One thing that felt short of what it could have been was the relationship between Bucky and Cap.  We did see Steve Rogers risk everything to save a friend from yesteryear, but I didn’t get the kind of emotional jerk I expected through their dialogue.  Not that it was bad by any means; I just felt there was more to be desired.  On the flip side, they were amazing out there fighting together, just ask Iron Man.

In the various conversations I’ve had with friends who also wasted little time in rushing to the theater to get their superhero fix, several of them have lamented the lack of a true, menacing villain in the film.  While we’re still waiting on Thanos to take a hands-on approach, we didn’t get a super sinister villain or flamboyant antagonist.  We were given Baron Zemo.  This adaptation is different from the comics, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t amazing.  One could sympathize with the character as he had lost his beloved family during the chaos of The Age of Ultron movie.  By Zemo’s own admissions, he didn’t have the power or ability to challenge the Avengers himself, so he crafted a meticulous plan which would have the Avengers implode from within.  I think this writing and plot was very effective.  There wasn’t a need for there to be the big need adversary as Zemo’s dastardly plan drove the audience to pick a side (Hate to say it, but I kind of was with Iron Man in this one), further understand the plight each of our heroes faces internally, and made for some good old fashion infighting.  Zemo was the perfect “bad guy” to pull the strings while the heroes destroyed themselves.  Of course, on a personal note, I don’t think I was supposed to so adamantly want Black Panther or Iron Man to absolutely obliterate The Winter Soldier from all existence.

While this movie could’ve been named Iron Man 4, Avengers 3, or The Bromance of Steve and James, it was a fitting end to the Captain America trilogy.  While there were some minor gripes, the establishment of Black Panther, teases of death for the Iron Man heroes, and depth of the villain outweighed any negatives.  It’s one of my favorite Marvel films thus far (Guardians, Blade 2, Days of Future Past, Deadpool), and is also one of the best.  Go see it. ASAP!

Crabicurious Rating: 4 crabs out of 4

 

Looking for more Bryson? He makes his photographic debut in Back in the Ville

And Check out the latest from The Louisville Beat:

Matthew Dennis on the Great Northern War

by Matthew Dennis

[Editorial Notes: Nothing bad can happen when giving your writers creative freedom right?...]

While today Russia has a great deal of notoriety and is currently one of the most recognized nations in the world, this was not always the case. Russia has a long and distinguished history that is indicative of its standing in the world today, but to gain this status as a preeminent world power Russia had to rise up from the simple principality of Muscovy stuck under the much maligned ‘Mongol yoke’. This rise to become a fully recognized European power was not complete until the early 18th century, when Russia was under the rule of Tsar Peter I and replaced Sweden as the leading Baltic power while also placating the Ottoman threat in the South. Through a long struggle in the Great Northern War, Russia was able to increase its diplomatic standing across Europe while also gaining strategic lands in the Baltic. This war was inevitable if one simply looks at the geographic positions of Russia and Sweden. Indeed, the war can most effectively be looked at through the geographic lens. Not only did Russia solidify several of its previously threatened frontiers and borders, but the legend of the vast Russian interior was born. Despite becoming powerful in Eastern Europe, it was only after the Great Northern War that Russia claimed the geographic domination and diplomatic ability to be recognized as a legitimate Great Power.The Great Northern War: Russia’s Emergence as a Great

After the Time of Troubles, and especially during the latter half of the 17th century, Russia began to gradually accept the influences of western culture. This was necessitated by commercial contact with the post-feudal economies of the West. New ideas and technologies were exchanged that – whether passively or actively – were integrated into Russian society. Now, the Western influence was only fully accepted by the Russian elite, a tiny but very vocal minority in Russian culture. At the risk of alluding to Reaganomics, there was an inevitable trickle down to the masses of some of this influence and Russia was slowly on track to becoming a more fully accepted European nation. The first instance was in the army. In the years leading up to the Smolensk War in 1632, Russia went to great lengths in order to improve their army and defeat the Polish. Despite having foreign officers train their soldiers and importing Western weapons, the Russians did lose the war. However, the Western technology and training methods persisted and the Russian standing army became more and more Western throughout the 17th century. Another step towards Westernization was the cultivation of a strong foreign sector in Moscow. Western scholars, architects, engineers, and other professionals were invited and given land in Moscow to create a Western intelligentsia there. Still, Russia was decidedly backwards in comparison to the rest of Europe, the discourse at the time on whether or not Russia was even a part of Europe is testament to that. Despite the Western leaning in cities and among the elite, the average Russian peasant, who made up a vast proportion of the population, had very little knowledge of western culture and ideas. This perceived backwardness kept Russia out of the prominent diplomatic circles which, of course, meant that there was an ineptitude in Russian diplomacy. There was a kind of isolation to Russia at the time that was only exacerbated by the ineffective diplomacy. Furthermore, they were not well established on the seas, and trade was somewhat one sided between them and the rest of Europe. Russia needed a change in identity to achieve any iota of equality with the West.[1]

            This change came with ascension of Peter I to the Russian throne. As Tsar, Peter immediately set out to make Russia an equal of the West, which he attempted to do by emulating the West. He drastically changed the culture of the Russian elite and created a gentry much like that of the established European powers. This new nobility was just the start of Peter’s ambition to reshape Russia into that of a more Western nation. His aggressive reforms took Russia from backwards to a nation brimming with the untapped potential to dominate Eastern Europe, though it was only through conflict that this was actually recognized. With Russia essentially being landlocked and unable to sustain a powerful merchant marine to better influence trade, Peter became obsessed with gaining a port on the Baltic; he called this Russia’s “Window to the West.” [2] The desire for a Baltic port would inevitably lead to conflict with Sweden, who essentially controlled the Baltic and was the leading power in Northeastern Europe. The provinces of Ingria and Karelia, taken from Russia by Sweden during the Time of Troubles, would restore Russia on the Baltic and diminish Swedish power. With Peter’s ambitions focusing on the West and gaining a naval foothold, the Swedish Empire presented a major threat. Sweden had grown into a major world power during the 17th century and maintained their Baltic hegemony with a powerful navy and territorial possessions in Northern Germany and the Eastern Baltic coast. They had even wrested control of Skane and the entrance to the Baltic from Denmark and thus could manipulate Baltic trade. Their utter domination of the Baltic region came into direct conflict with Peter’s vision for Russia and served to further isolate Russia.[

To combat this threat Peter began to engage in intense diplomacy with the equally threatened powers of Denmark and Saxony-Poland. This is surprising for Russia, given their failings in the past with diplomacy. This demonstrates that the Russians had developed a diplomatic corps capable of communicating with the West to further the ambitions of Russia. This can easily be attributed to the multi-year tour that Peter took of Western Europe and the visibility it brought to the Russian state. The benefits of turning toward the West were already proving to be lucrative. The Russian nobility was able to engage in diplomacy and now Russia had the allies needed to confront the Swedish threat. The most active contributor, diplomatically at least, was Frederick IV, King of Denmark. He wanted to reconquer Skane and take back control of the Oresund, the strait that gave access to the Baltic. The coalition with Peter I and Augustus II of Saxony-Poland, who wanted Riga and Swedish Livonia, was a brilliant move because it would force Sweden to fight on three fronts. Russia could invade Finland and the Eastern Baltic provinces, Saxony-Poland would be able to overrun the German provinces, while Denmark, in conjunction with Norway, could invade Southern Sweden. Sweden was aware of this multi-front possibility and had taken care to fortify its possessions in and around the Baltic. With this powerful means to defeat Sweden, also came with what appeared to be a perfect opportunity. In 1697 the young Charles XII had taken the Swedish throne in the midst of a financial crisis and it was unlikely that Sweden could even support the kind of military effort that would be needed to defend against multiple armies on multiple fronts. With the coalition gathered and the opportunity present, the war began in 1700 with the Polish invasion of Livonia and the Danish invasion of the Swedish vassal Holstein-Gottorp in Northern Germany.[4]

The Swedish responded very quickly however and landed troops in Denmark that soon threatened Copenhagen. With pressure from the Maritime Powers, England and The Netherlands, the Danes were forced into peace before the first Russian soldiers even left Moscow. This was a devastating blow to the coalition and proved that their alliance was not as durable as had been thought. Charles XII was a dynamic and powerful ruler who managed Sweden’s war brilliantly. The perceived Swedish weakness was hugely overestimated and their armies swept across the lands of the coalition. Failure in Livonia by Saxony-Poland was also a major setback and freed thousands of Swedish soldiers after the Saxons went into Winter quarters in late October. Augustus II had attempted to siege Riga but the lack of ammunition for Saxon siege artillery and the ability of the Swedish navy to supply the city thwarted his efforts. The newly available Swedish soldiers were sent to relieve the Russian siege at Narva. The Russian front was the only active part of what was initially supposed to be a three front effort. At Narva a Swedish army of around 12,000 men, commanded personally by Charles XII, attacked a Russian force of nearly 40,000 under the cover of a snowstorm. The Swedes advanced in two columns and broke the Russian army into three parts. The fractured army was surrounded and trapped in the very fortifications meant to stop the Swedes. The Russians were routed and the army was utterly destroyed. More critically, almost all of the Russian artillery and military equipment was captured. This loss in the face of a numerically inferior Swedish army made Russia the laughingstock of Europe and infuriated Peter. However, the loss wasn’t really surprising because the aggressive military reforms of Peter had only started the year before and the army was mostly made up undisciplined new recruits. Regardless, the defeat stripped Peter of any offensive capability and took Russia out of the war for the time being. With Russia defeated, Charles XII turned his attention toward Augustus II and Saxony-Poland. The Swedish army rapidly advanced into Poland and from 1702-1706 defeated the combined Saxon and Polish forces again and again. The Polish army had little military capability and the Saxon forces, while well-disciplined and experienced, were annihilated once their allies failed to put up any effective resistance. After destroying the Polish, Charles XII moved into Saxony and decisively defeated Augustus II and put a new ruler on the Polish throne. Now Russia was the sole remnant of the Coalition that had once appeared to be so powerful.[5]

From his base in Poland, Charles XII invaded Russia with his Continental Army, the largest and most experienced Swedish army, in 1708. However, while Charles had been busy in Poland, Peter had been equally active. With the disaster at Narva behind him, Peter had hired hundreds of foreign officers to improve his army and had constructed a large and capable fighting force. The morale of the Russian army had also been restored with gains made in the Livonia and Estonia and vengeance for the defeat at Narva after the fortress fell in 1704. These battles had created a core of veterans in an otherwise freshly recruited army that had not been present at the beginning of the war. With a rebuilt army and a solidified position, Russia would prove to be a much different enemy than they had been at the start of the war. Regardless, the Swedish army was extremely well trained and very experienced, and they relentlessly advanced into the Russian heartland. This relentless advance was quite costly though, the Russians practiced a scorched earth policy and effectively used the geographical constraints of the land to harass the Swedes. The Swedish took constant losses with every mile they advanced as their strength dwindled. This all too familiar Russian strategy of allowing an enemy to advance into their nation only to be deprived of resupply worked just as well on the Swedes as it worked on Napoleon and Hitler. Still, Charles XII was no fool and his advance was slow and methodical in an attempt to limit attrition. Before wintering, Charles took a surprise turn South into Ukraine where he hoped to gain Cossack allies and avoid the scorched earth tactic that had resulted in a dearth of local resources. This move is often criticized, but the justification is clear when the possibility of better supplies and an intervention from the Ottomans is considered. After a brutal Winter that sapped the strength of both sides, the decisive battle that Charles had sought had not materialized. However, the Russians easily replaced their losses while the Swedish found it difficult to maintain the fighting strength of their regiments. The advance continued in the Spring and it was not until Charles crossed the Dneiper that Peter was ready to fight.[6]

The decisive Battle of Poltava saw the realization of Peter’s military reforms as the Russian army defeated the Swedish and destroyed the Continental Army. After a typically brutal Winter, Charles XII’s initial force of over 40,000 had been reduced to barely 20,000 and he was short of supplies. He set out to siege Poltava in an attempt to gain supplies from city and create a base to re-equip his army. This is where Peter decided to engage the Swedes once and for all. Peter’s massive army of 80,000 marched to relieve the siege and invoke a decisive battle. While Peter made the initial move, it was the Swedish who chose, characteristically, to attack. The Russians heeded the lessons they learned in defeat and used the advice of foreign military engineers to construct powerful fortifications to counter the aggressive Swedish tactics. When the Swedes did attack, expecting to surround and then destroy the Russian encampment as they had done at Narva, they were stymied by an impressive series of redoubts and their soldiers were subjected to effective artillery fire that caused the left flank of their army to crumble and retreat. The Swedish army broke through, however, and managed to assault the Russian camp. Though, this time the Russians made good use of their massive numerical advantage and brought their army out onto the field. With this move the overwhelming firepower of the Russians reduced the Swedes and forced their army into a general retreat. Several days later the entire Swedish Continental Army surrendered, a total of 17,000 men. Charles XII escaped into exile in the Ottoman Empire and tried to persuade them into an intervention from the South. Nevertheless, the Swedish Army in mainland Europe had been thoroughly defeated. Poltava showed the rest of Europe that Peter had transformed the Russian military into a powerful force that could defeat the best Europe had to offer.[7]

 The victory at Poltava gave Russia and Peter an elevated status in Europe. The battle caused great celebration throughout Russia, including a massive parade in Moscow that celebrated the Russia culture. Peter used the victory to take the title of emperor, thus creating the Russian Empire. This western title was a sign of his new prestige as the head of the powerful Russian state. The triumph of the Russians on their own soil gave a sizable morale increase and the country was the best equipped of all the warring parties to continue the fighting. The secondary effect of the battle was to reestablish the coalition. With the destruction of the main Swedish army, both Denmark and Saxony reentered the war against Sweden. A now way overextended Swedish military was almost powerless to stop the loss of the remaining Swedish possessions in Germany and the Southeastern Baltic coast while Charles XII remained in exile in the Ottoman Empire. Charles became desperate while watching his possessions slip away from afar and convinced the Ottomans to attack Russia at a perceived moment of vulnerability in the South.[8]

The war that came out of Charles’ efforts was nothing of the sort he desired. The Pruth Campaign was short lived, and while the Ottomans completely surrounded and captured Peter and his army, they had no desire to take advantage of this and settled on a relatively easy peace treaty. The Russians were forced to return Azov to the Ottomans and stop interfering in the affairs of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. Peter was allowed to escape with most of his army while Charles was given safe passage back to Sweden. In this settlement Peter attained victory over Charles despite the defeat at the hands of the Ottomans. In reality, the terms were light and the Russians succeeded strategically through diplomacy to continue the war against Sweden unhindered. The Russian ability to end this war on favorable terms is testament to their increased prestige and newfound hierarchy on the world stage after proving their mettle in combat. This also was the last time the Ottomans were able to strong arm the Russians, as after Pruth the balance of power would shift in favor of Russia. With a solidified Southern border by virtue of the long peace treaty with the Ottomans, Peter turned his attention to the Baltic.[9]

After it became obvious that no more Ottoman aid was forthcoming, Charles returned to Sweden and attempted to turn the tide of a war that had gone decidedly in favor of Russia and the newly reformed coalition. Swedish Pomerania soon fell in the face rejuvenated of Saxon and Russian troops while Denmark and Norway applied pressure in the West and Peter marched his vast Russian armies into Finland. A new development was realized at the Battle of Gangut when a massive Russian fleet overpowered a smaller Swedish squadron. While the destruction of this small Swedish detachment isn’t all that significant, the fact that the Russians had created a navy large enough to control the Baltic was huge. Armed with a powerful navy, the Russians occupied all of Finland and expelled the remaining Swedish soldiers from Livonia and Estonia. The loss of several key fortress such as Stralsund on the German Baltic Coast meant that the Swedes were now forced back onto their sole remaining possession, that of Sweden itself. With the entrance of Prussia and Hannover into the war Sweden was massively outnumbered and had no chance to escape from the war with its Baltic hegemony intact. Nevertheless, Charles XII continued the war until his death in battle in 1718. After Charles died, the military capabilities of Sweden were gone and the nation was bankrupt with the rising costs of defending their shrinking borders, his leadership being the only thing keeping the Swedes in the war. Sweden then sought peace amongst growing international pressure and with the help of France as an intermediary.[10]

Peace was a complicated matter, however. Russia had grown to be a great European power and was now considered a threat. Russian armies were deployed all along the Baltic from Finland to Denmark. Russian fleets had destroyed the once powerful Swedish navy and were raiding enemy ports in the Baltic. Many rulers throughout Western Europe feared that Peter would establish a naval base in Mecklenburg and extend Russia power into Germany and take the place of the Swedes by creating a Baltic hegemony. Thus, as Denmark-Norway, Saxony-Poland, and Prussia all began to withdraw from the war, Russia had to fight on as the diplomats of Europe sought some way to keep Sweden powerful enough to serve as a buffer against Russian expansion.[11] The balance of power had been reset with Russia eclipsing Sweden and now effectively rivaling the Ottomans. With the Northern frontier secured, the Russians were free to expand into Asia and, for the first time, attack the Ottomans with superior military capability. The two main threats to Russia were no longer the blockade to expansion they were in the 17th century. Coupled with the rapid Polish decline, there really weren’t many obstacles to prevent Russia from dominating all of Eastern Europe. This potential left the future of the European balance of power in question. Combined with Spain’s sharp decline, the established European powers were left deeply worried about Peter’s ambition as the head of a modern Russia with designs to be the sole power in Eastern Europe.[12]

At the helm of a new world power, Peter sought to establish a new capital on his freshly conquered ‘window to the sea’ that would represent the more European and westernized Russia. Building this new city, with the notion of self-aggrandizement in mind it was named St. Petersburg, on the recently acquired land of Ingria served not only to legitimize the conquest but also created an immediately prominent port to house the now strong Russia navy and project Russian power throughout the Baltic. St. Petersburg itself was a myriad of Western style palaces, mansions, administrative buildings, and churches. However, it had no true identity and was the creation of Italian, German, French, and other European architects; a list notably absent of Russia. It was a city for Peter’s desired image of Russia, not the reality. It was a city for the nobility and for the Tsar, not for the people, and certainly not for Russian culture. St. Petersburg was something of an embassy to show Russia’s apparent modernity to various European diplomats and scholars. Moscow was still a powerful symbol of traditional Russia and remained prominent in Russian culture. Though, despite the failure to accurately represent Russia, St. Petersburg was a testament to the development of the Russian state and its emergence into European politics.[13]

As often happens throughout Russian history, major change is precipitated by conflict. The Great Northern War only had one victor, and that was Russia. Even the other members of the coalition were subject to negative effects. Poland collapsed and Saxony’s bid to become a European power went with it. Denmark never got what it wanted out of the war and continued to decline as potential Baltic power. Sweden was, of course, devastated. Its entire Baltic empire, except for some negligible lands in Pomerania, was gone. It had been supplanted by Russia as the leading Northeastern power. After the war, Russian power projection in Europe was strong enough to attract allies like Britain and Austria. The idea that Russian soldiers could be deployed across Europe to act as a policing force was actually practical. So dramatic was the change in Russian fortunes that it went from being some isolated and backwards country in the East, that many didn’t even consider European, to being the biggest threat to European stability by 1720. It is also incredible to note that before battles such as Gangut, Russia had no naval tradition and essentially imported foreign officers to rapidly deploy the strongest navy in the Baltic during the Great Northern War. Russia’s diplomatic presence was fully recognized for the first time and the stage was set for the Russian soldiers to relentlessly expand an already powerful state. Russia’s long rise to prominence was finally fulfilled under the ambitious rule of Peter I, aptly given the suffix ‘The Great’.

 

 

Works Cited

Black, Jeremy. European International Relations: 1648-1815. New York: Palgrave, 2002. Print.

Frost, Robert I. The Northern Wars: 1558-1721. Essex, England: Pearson Education Limited,

2000. Print.

Khodarkovsky, Michael. Russian History: Empire Building. Loyola University Chicago, Spring

Semester 2016. Lecture.

Kliuchevsky, V.O. Translated by Natalie Duddington. A Course in Russian History: The

Seventeenth Century. Chicago: Quadrangle Books, 1968. Print.

Kamenskii, Aleksander B. Translated by David Griffiths. The Russian Empire in the Eighteenth

Century: Searching for a Place in the World. New York: M.E. Sharpe, 1997. Print.

Sumner, B.H. Peter the Great and the Emergence of Russia. London: English Universities Press

LTD, 1950. Print.

 

[1] Kliuchevsky, V.O. Translated by Natalie Duddington. A Course in Russian History: The Seventeenth Century. Pages 275-300.

 

[2] Khodarkovsky, Michael. Russian History: Empire Building. Loyola University Chicago, Spring Semester 2016. Lecture, 17 March 2016.

 

[3] Sumner, B.H. Peter the Great and the Emergence of Russia. London: English Universities Press LTD, 1950. Pages 51-55.

 

[4] Black, Jeremy. European International Relations: 1648-1815. New York: Palgrave, 2002. Pages 107-109.

 

[5] Frost, Robert I. The Northern Wars: 1558-1721. Essex, England: Pearson Education Limited, 2000. Pages 226-235, 243-250.

 

[6] Frost, Robert I. The Northern Wars: 1558-1721. Essex, England: Pearson Education Limited, 2000. Pages 286-290.

 

[7] Frost, Robert I. The Northern Wars: 1558-1721. Essex, England: Pearson Education Limited, 2000. Pages 290-294.

 

[8] Kamenskii, Aleksander B. Translated by David Griffiths. The Russian Empire in the Eighteenth Century: Searching for a Place in the World. New York: M.E. Sharpe, 1997. Pages 91-94.

[9] Sumner, B.H. Peter the Great and the Emergence of Russia. London: English Universities Press LTD, 1950. Pages 74-86.

[10] Frost, Robert I. The Northern Wars: 1558-1721. Essex, England: Pearson Education Limited, 2000. Pages 294-296, 304-306.

 

[11] Black, Jeremy. European International Relations: 1648-1815. New York: Palgrave, 2002. Pages 114-120.

[12] Kamenskii, Aleksander B. Translated by David Griffiths. The Russian Empire in the Eighteenth Century: Searching for a Place in the World. New York: M.E. Sharpe, 1997. Pages 108-112

 

[13] Sumner, B.H. Peter the Great and the Emergence of Russia. London: English Universities Press LTD, 1950. Pages 198-202

 

What's Bryson Watching: The Jungle Book

By Bryson Beach

I started work on the review last week and through a number of distractions and an impeccable ability to procrastinate, my finishing deadline ended on a random Saturday morning.  Unfortunately, in between the time I watched the movie and finished the review, we lost two celebrities who had an impact on my life in one way or another.  First the world lost the 8th Wonder of the World, Chyna.  If you happen to have the misfortunate of knowing me personally, you’ll know that I am a huge professional wrestling fan.  Chyna stood out as a unique, powerful, and successful woman during the Attitude Era.  While there are some complicating circumstances that may have caused WWE to fail to acknowledge her in the past few years, one can expect her to be honored, even if it’s in death. 

Of course, the icon the world is more familiar with would be one Prince Rogers Nelson.  My earliest memories of the man’s music started in childhood.  A lot our own musical tastes are formed by our parents or older siblings.  I can recall on weekends, waking up early to play with my imaginary friends, action figures, and pots & pans (I was a simple child), and the house would be filled with the sounds of Luther Vandross, Peabo Bryson, and Prince.  I didn’t understand the genius or uniqueness of the individual behind the music back then, but I knew I loved his music.  As I got older, the songs that were once catchy tunes to sing along with began to apply to real life experiences.  I’d blast “The Beautiful Ones” when trying to win over my high school muse (Forever Alone for Life), turn up to “1999” at parties, or sing along to “When Doves Cry” during impromptu late night food runs in the car. 

The man himself was inspiring in the sense that he made it more than acceptable to be comfortable in your own skin.  I used to worry all the time about how I was received or where I would fit in this crazy experience called life.  Using Prince’s model, I can say I’m comfortable with who I am.  I can’t play any instruments, dance in high heels, or sing, but I’m extremely proud to be a young man who’s a picky eater, reads professional wrestling message boards, and is a hype beast for video games.  I do other things too.  I’m rambling.  Rest in Power, Prince.

The Jungle Book 

Despite living in Louisville now, I had ventured back to the American Saddlebred Capital of the World to watch the Jungle Book this past weekend!  I think we’ve all seen the Disney animated adaptation of Rudyard Kipling’s classic tale at some point in our lives.  I can recall it from my childhood, but the memories of the actual movie is a bit hazy.  I believe the haziness was a good thing as I had a more open mindedness in viewing this current adaptation of the adaptation of the original story!!!

This wouldn’t be a Bryson review unless I get in my shots.  Playing off a quote from local radio host, Drew Deener here, but the point of having a blog is to help your friends and hurt your enemies! And I have only one enemy in this world and it rhymes with Reslie Lixman.  The theatrical experience is enhanced with two things: Good company (Shout out to Morgan) and a delicious Icee.  Have I ever mentioned before that this beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate woman once promised me an icee at halftime of the Packers-Cardinals game and lied? </3 </3 </3.  However,  it’s not too late to rectify the heartbreak when you and Baltimore Bob visit again soon…. Just sayin!

Back to business: Spoilers may be ahead, tread with caution.

 Much like the recent installment of the Planet of the Apes series, this movie did a phenomenal job of telling a story with animals, even if all of them didn’t talk.  Bill Murray is damn near universally loved and hailed for his body of work.  I can say with assurance, his performance as the voice of Baloo will be a welcomed addition to an impressive portfolio.  He was funny and caring at the same time through his dialogue and adventures with Mowgli.   When he started to sing “Bear Necessities”, my five year old self wanted to get up to sing and dance right there in the dark viewing room.  Luckily, for everyone’s ears, I held it together.  I’m composed. I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow, barely.

While all the voice work was far beyond exceptional, I feel as if Idris Elba also knocked his role as the notorious Shera Khan.  You guys remember that commercial for Jaguar that mentions that Brits make the best villains?  Well they’re onto something.  Maybe I was swayed by recently watching Beasts of No Nation (Netflix it!), but the inflection in his voice made Shera Khan seemed much more sinister than a large Tiger hell-bent on vengeance.  The performance was done so well, I’d love to see what he could do as a voice actor without the PG restraint.  Brilliant. 

Client: Jaguar Agency: Spark44

Speaking of the vicious Shera Kahn.  It’s no secret that he is the antagonist of The Jungle Book.  In this particular reimagining, he’s out to literally devour Mowgli after the Man-Cub’s father burned The Tiger in a deadly encounter.  The story introduces Mowgli to a number of perils and sub-bosses like Kaa, the devious and silver tongued serpent, and King Louie, the Godfather-like Gigantopithecus!  I’m not fooling anyone, I totally googled the hell out of that.  He’s basically a giant orangutan.  While the central thread outside of Mowgli discovering himself in a setting where humans are as welcomed as an honest immigrant looking for a chance to better their lives in Donald Trump’s dystopian hate-driven vision of America, is the threat of Shera Khan, the movie seems to forget this at times.  There’s large gaps of the film where the threat is forgotten or un-mentioned.  Since the climax of the film deals with Mowgli’s confrontation with the carnivorous cat, I feel there should have been even more scenes with the villain.  It’s a small complaint in a shower of compliments and appreciation.

I had the misfortunate of going to the 3-D version of the film, too.  For whatever the reason it was the only version available at Shelbyville’s greatest entertainment center.  I’m really just bitter because my eyesight is atrocious and I’m too scared to have to deal with contacts so I have to wear the 3-D glasses over my real glasses and it’s uncomfortable and takes a good 5-10 minutes to adjust. First. World. Problems. However, 3D struggles aside, it did not detract from the gorgeous CGI of the film.  I’m not an expert on the Indian terrain, but the forest, hills, and lush greenery looked spectacular.  The movie set out to fully exploit the visual effects available, and they did that and then some.  It didn’t hit me until after I was driving home that I wasn’t watching real animals pounce, claw, jump, roar, and growl.  The setting was equally as beautiful.  Today’s technology was utilized correctly and not only did I forget that I wasn’t watching real wildlife, but it had me wanting to go out in the wild and steal a wolf cub.  I ain’t lyin’ to y’all when I say that the baby wolves in the movie were adorable, especially Mowgli’s grey brother. 

I’d like to think I’m mostly a grown ass man and I can’t stop gushing about how magnificent this film was.  Big ups to Jon Favreau (Elf, Iron Man, Iron Man 2) on orchestrating a masterpiece for all ages.  I’ve started to wonder if I could ever enjoy a movie that didn’t earn at least the PG-13 rating, but that notion was swiftly and delightfully destroyed by this movie.  Whether you’re 8 or 88, this film is for you.  Perfecto!

4 Crabs out of 4

The Power of Communal Watching

By Zack Hubbard, key Crabicurious contributor and host of The Best of Earth Podcast, now available on iTunes

It's a rare gift when a show comes along and demands the world's collective attention; each week, providing a new entry to the story and taking hold of every conversation, to the point where you begin to wonder what you ever talked about before this. I'm talking Mad Men. Game of Thrones. The Sopranos. Breaking Bad. The Walking Dead (for some folks). True Detective (season one). Battlestar Galactica (right, everyone!?). 

But there was only one that started the fire for many of us. And that was LOST. 

That often brilliant, always head-scratching show will always hold a special hatch-sized place in my heart. I'll never forget when my dude, Steve, let me borrow his season one box set on DVD with the simple instructions to just watch. And watch I did. Religiously. 

Eyes glued to the screen, I had to find out what the hell was up with the polar bears, the smoke monster, and the guy who was paralyzed before the crash and now could walk and put orange slices in his mouth in futile attempts at cheering up a would-have-been convicted woman. Oh, and he had a case full of knives. Charlie said it best, "Where are we!?!"

As a newly converted disciple to the church of Oceanic Flight 815, it is now my mission to inform everyone I knew about the island and its mysteries. Of course anyone that came to my house was getting a sermon. I definitely played the DVDs for all my classmates to see when we had some downtime. Reaching the masses: that was my mission. To leave no one behind. Fill everyone in on the best thing on television so we could all experience it together. As a community. And besides, I needed other converts to nerd out with. 

LOST aired from September 2004 to May 2010 mostly on Wednesday nights on ABC. Now in 2016, air dates matter about as much as Jack's tattoo did. But way back in Dharma land, DVR was just starting to scratch the surface and streaming was just a gleam in the eye of a Netflix executive. God bless those poor souls who missed an episode and were banished to the gates of iTunes and forced to spend $3 to buy the episode...a week later. 

I recall one fateful night when a few friends and I decided to see an OAR concert. On a Wednesday night! Yea, it wasn't worth it. Nevertheless, the parents generously recorded the episode of Lost that I would be missing on a VCR. That's right, kids. A tape. The dedication was real. 

Now, I've said all that to say this: it was simply amazing to share the cultural experience that was LOST with my friends for close to 5 years. In college, we would have our weekly church service with pizza, wings and four toed statues. I would have phone calls with friends in Frankfort breaking down each episode minutes after it aired. Praising what had transpired and theorizing about the potential insanity to come. 

Notice a through-line here with all of the shows I've mentioned thus far. They all aired or continue to air on a weekly basis when they're in season. That's a very important distinction to make when talking about communal watching. We all knew when the next chapter was going to unfold on screen and it must be absorbed ASAP so we could stay in the conversation. Everyone was together. 

Nothing against the 'binge first, ask questions later' data dump model adopted by Netflix. Because I'd vote for Frank Underwood all day. And that Daredevil season one hallway fight is hanging-off-the-Eiffel level bananas. Also, who in their conscious mind did not binge the shit out Making a Murderer a few months back? I crushed all ten episodes in a three day span. Personal record, I'd say. So, no shade. 

However, the experience is completely dampened by tip-toeing around with your friends, trying to figure out what episode of what season you're on so as not to accidentally spoil that insane thing that happens in episode 4. As fun as that sounds, it's not even in the same ballpark as the collective freak out from seeing a map of an island in black light with a giant question mark right in the middle, engraving a distinct "what in the actual fudge is that!?!" look across the faces of converted 815ers everywhere. Rushing to message boards - remember 2006? - to find screen capped images of the infamous black light map was heavenly. 

We all love doing things together. Building a raft to leave the island together, only to end up screaming "WALT!!!" at the horizon. Blowing up the hatch together. Fixing up the old van together. Finding cocaine planes and burying Nikki and Paulo alive together. Seriously, they were the worst. 

So let's all just slow things down a bit, dust the Arzt off our shoulders, and worship a show together. 

By the old Gods and the New, Game of Thrones returns in less than a month.

Amen. 

 

Looking for more from the Louisville Beat?

Check out Bryson's take on Batman v Superman